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When I got home, Orlando and Elijah were waiting for me in the living room. They both looked to me expectantly as I closed the apartment door behind me and threw my purse on the coffee table.

“Everything all right, love?” Orlando said, getting up from the sofa and coming over to me. He didn’t look suspicious at all, but I felt like his eyes were boring into me, the guilt was so strong. I kept telling myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

I tried to smile. “Just fine,” I said, reaching up to kiss his cheek. “I’m going to have a bath, and then get some sleep. You guys have fun, okay?”

I went over and kissed Elijah’s cheek, then disappeared into the bathroom for a long hot bath.

While I sat in the water, I couldn’t stop all the little tidbits of conversations from entering my mind. I closed my eyes against Sean’s and Maryanne’s words, against the hurt I felt spread through me as I relived them. I didn’t want to believe those things about myself, but the fact that I had finally admitted to myself that I loved Adam made me feel horrible. Orlando was my boyfriend, he was the one I was supposed to be in love with, and yet I couldn’t let him near me. I looked at the bruises on my body and couldn’t help but think I’d deserved them, as much as I knew the thought was wrong.

I didn’t stay in the bath very long, as I was unable to be alone with my own nasty thoughts. I climbed out of the water quickly and toweled myself off, pulling my robe tightly around me before leaving the bathroom. I went into my room and crawled into bed, not even bothering to put on my pajamas. I pulled my robe tighter around me and buried myself deeper in my blankets. A short while later, Orlando came into the room, quietly, trying not to wake me.

“Orlando?” I said softly as he began to pull his clothes off. I forced myself to look at him, at his beautifully sculpted chest and stomach, at the little trail of hair the started at his belly button and disappeared under his boxer shorts, at the small tattoo on the inside of his right forearm, and the bigger one just to the left of the bottom of his belly button. I felt the familiar burn start, low in my stomach, but the guilt and fear that was working its way through my body squashed any desire I had, and I looked away.

“I’m here, love,” he said, coming over to me and sitting on the bed, careful not to touch me. “Where did you go tonight?” In the dim light, his eyes were intent on my face, and I knew that if I told him anything but the truth, he’d know for sure I was lying.

“I had to talk to Adam,” I said, after a brief pause.

“I figured as much,” he said sadly. “After what Sean’s sister said, you had to know if it was true, didn’t you?” I nodded as tears filled my eyes. “Why did you need to know that, Charlie? Why do you care?”

The guilt caused my stomach to clench, and I had to take a deep breath to keep from vomiting right there. I knew it wasn’t fair to Orlando that I loved someone else, but I couldn’t help it.

“I wanted to know if I was special,” I said, my voice so low, I almost couldn’t hear it myself. I know he heard me, though, because he tensed. “I needed to know I’m not a slut.” I choked on the words as I said them.

“And you had to go to him to find that out?” He sounded so hurt, I refused to look at him.

“Yes,” I whispered, not sure what else to say.

“Why couldn’t you come to me, if that’s how you felt?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know,” I said finally. “Adam asked me that, too. He asked me why I went to him first, and I couldn’t answer him either. I guess it’s because you and I have talked about our histories, we know each others’ pasts, but with Adam, the only thing I know is that he was married. Maryanne could very well have been right about him, I didn’t know.”

“That makes sense,” Orlando said gently, but I could tell he wanted to say more. He took a deep breath. “The question now is, why does it matter, love? Why isn’t it enough that I love you, that we’re together, and that no one else matters?”

I looked at him finally, the tears blurring his face. “I guess some part of me looks at my fling with Adam as wrong,” I said. “It has never really sat right with me that I slept with him so fast, knowing it was a rebound thing, not a real relationship. And the fact that he still loves me only makes the guilt worse.” I closed my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry, Orlando, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

Without hesitation, he reached over and gathered me against him, holding me there as I tried to struggle away. “Don’t fight me, Charlie,” he whispered into my hair. “Just let me hold you, just relax in my arms, like you used to.” I buried my face in his neck and took a deep, shuddering breath, willing my body to relax, to trust him. He wasn’t Sean, he wasn’t anything like that monster, and yet, I was afraid. His hands began to sweep over my back, to knead my stiff muscles gently, and eventually, I sagged against him.

For awhile, neither of us spoke. We didn’t have to say anything to each other, we could just sit there. Eventually, he got up and tucked me into bed, then wrapped himself around my back, holding me close. I knew in that moment, that no matter what anyone else said about me, I was exactly where I wanted to be.

* * *

Over the next week or so, I didn’t really have time to think about anything that had happened with Adam, or Sean, for that matter, because we started rehearsing the medley for the Tony ceremony. We did that during the day, and performed the regular show at night, and I fell into bed each evening so tired I could hardly hold my head up. Orlando had Elijah to keep him busy, and the two went out almost every night, doing God knows what with God knows who, coming home after I was already in bed. I didn’t mind all that much, because I figured at least he wasn’t bored.

In the midst of all the commotion, I’d also managed to avoid any alone time with Adam. There was always a crowd around the rehearsal rooms, and if I was quick with my shower after the shows, I could be gone by the time he finished changing. By the end of the week, the only time I’d been with him was during rehearsals or performances, and I knew he was getting a bit concerned. By the Saturday matinee show, our last before taking the night off for the Rent 10^th Anniversary show that night, he was starting to get angry.

“Are you coming to the show tonight?” he almost snapped as he cornered me at my dressing table, still in his costume. He looked more than a little ticked off, and I tried to swallow the lump that formed in my throat.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah,” I said. “Orlando and I are coming, and so are Lisa and Jeremy.” Nick had given us all a much-needed night off, letting our understudies handle the show. We knew none of the Tony voters would be there that night, so we were safe. I didn’t tell him that getting Orlando to agree to come had been like pulling teeth.

“Why have you been avoiding me this week, Charlie?” He sat beside me and put his hand on my leg, to keep me from getting up. I no longer flinched when he touched me, but this was different. His hand was firm, and he didn’t let go until I started speaking, and he knew I wasn’t going to run from him.

“We got too close,” I whispered, my eyes never leaving my lap. “We can’t be what we are to each other, it isn’t right. I figured if I stayed away from you, if I didn’t spend any time alone with you, it would be okay.”

“Did it work?”

I shrugged half-heartedly. “It will,” I said, knowing there was no conviction in my voice. A single tear fell into my lap before I looked up at him. “Adam, I want you to go to London.”

“Since when?”

“Since I can’t get over what I feel for you if you’re here all the time,” I said, dashing my hand over my eyes as the tears came faster. “I want to be with Orlando, but I can’t be with only him as long as you’re around.”

“Do you really want me to go?” He sounded sad, hurt, and, to my surprise, lonely.

I nodded and stood up. “I think it’s best,” I said, my stomach churning at my words. I owed it to Orlando to give us a shot, to get all distractions out of my way so I could focus on him. The fact that he was leaving again so soon made it that much harder for me to tell Adam to go, but I had to.

“I was planning on going anyway,” Adam said, rising as well. He looked awkward for a moment, as if not sure what to do next, then he ran his hand through his hair. “I just kind of hoped you’d ask me to stay.”

I shook my head sadly. “I can’t,” I said, wanting nothing more than to do just that. “We can only ever be friends, Adam, and we need time apart to realize that.”

“Friends,” he said softly, his eyes searing into mine, through the tears. He shook himself briefly and backed away from me. “I have to go,” he said, and I could swear I saw a single tear slide down his face. “I’ll see you tonight at the show, okay?”

I nodded. He turned and practically ran from the dressing area. I know I saw his hand come up to his face, but I looked away before I could register what that meant. I watched the door close behind him, then sat down again and really cried. I cried for all that I was losing, for all that had happened, for all the pain I was causing, and I cried for myself. It felt good to just let go like that, and to be alone to do it, without a man beside me to wipe away my tears. I cried until I had no more tears left, then I washed my face quickly and went home to get ready for the concert.

I spent the next couple of hours listening to Orlando grumble about having to go to the concert. Normally he didn’t make such a fuss of things, but since it was Adam who invited us, he was being a child about it. I kept quiet as I got dressed and put on my make-up, watching him in the mirror as he changed behind me. When I was finished putting my hair up, I turned around to face him, my arms folded over my chest.

“Are you finished?” I said, somewhat snottily, I’ll admit.

He paused in buttoning his shirt and stared at me. I don’t think he expected me to answer him, or to say anything to him about his behaviour. “Excuse me?” he said.

“I said, are you finished,” I repeated, arching one eyebrow at him, the way my mom used to do to me when I was a child and throwing a tantrum. It infuriated me to no end when she did that, and I almost laughed to find myself doing it now.

“Am I finished what?” He put his hands on his hips and stared at me, his shirt only half-buttoned.

“Your little hissy fit,” I said, getting up and going to him. I quickly finished the buttons on his shirt, smoothed down his collar, and sat on the bed. He just kept staring at me.

“I do not throw hissy fits,” he said finally, his tone low and obstinate. “I simply don’t understand why we have to go to this thing. It’s not like you’ve never seen the show before, and for crying out loud, you own the movie.” He went to the closet and grabbed his belt, then started weaving it through his belt loops. He was definitely pouting, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“You know, ever since Elijah came into town, you’ve had this childlike quality about you,” I said, going to him. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him to me for a brief moment before letting go. “It’s kind of cute. But honey, really, I know why you don’t want to go tonight, and I think it’s all the more reason that you should be there.”

“Oh, and why don’t I want to go?” he said, though his voice had softened considerably after my hug. I half expected him to add, “Huh, Miss Smartypants,” and stick his tongue out at me. I fought the urge to giggle.

“Because Adam invited us,” I said simply, sitting on the bed again, and pulling on my sandals. “You’re pouting because I want to go see his work.” I shrugged. “But if you want to send me to this thing alone, knowing full-well he’ll be there afterwards, and we’ll probably be sitting together at the dinner that follows the show, that’s fine with me.” I didn’t look at him, but I heard him stop moving and stand perfectly still.

“I know this is petty and stupid,” he said after a pause, coming to sit beside me. He took my hands in his. “But you have to see this from my point of view, love.”

“I do, Orlando,” I said, reaching up to stroke his cheek briefly, ignoring how my stomach clenched as I did so. “And I respect the fact that he makes you uncomfortable, but you have to trust me. It’s just a concert with the original cast of my favourite show, and I’d want to see it whether he was in it or not. Tonight he’s just another performer in another show, not the Adam I know, okay?”

Orlando lightly kissed my nose and pressed his forehead to mine as he slipped his arms around me. I pulled away ever-so-slightly before catching myself, and then I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Just remember who you’re coming home with tonight, okay, love?” he whispered into my hair, an eerie sadness in his voice.

I pulled back slightly to look him in the face. I smiled. “I don’t think I could ever forget that,” I said gently, then kissed him quickly on the lips. Unfortunately, that was the extent of our kissing lately, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. The guilt spread over me at the thought that I could kiss Adam willingly every night on stage now, but I couldn’t let my own boyfriend kiss me like that. I forced the thought from my mind and smiled at Orlando again.

“We have to go,” I whispered, cupping his face in my hands.

When our cab pulled up in front of the Nederlander Theatre, it was completely nuts. There were fans outside with cameras, and a red carpet-type area set up for the stars to have their pictures taken. I felt Orlando sigh beside me as he took my hand and helped me from the car. Lisa and Jeremy piled out of the other side, and the four of us hurried past the crowd, into the theatre. On the way, I glimpsed Adam briefly, while he was talking to some cameras off to the side. He looked happy and relaxed, and totally different than he’d looked earlier that day. He was dressed in dark jeans, a black collared shirt with a fine red pinstripe, and a deep brown leather jacket, and he looked really good. I smiled to myself as the theatre door closed behind me.

“That was a madhouse,” Lisa laughed as we made our way to the rear of the lobby, hoping to avoid the press area all together. I didn’t want to talk to any reporters that night, and neither did Orlando.

“Did you hear what the tickets for this thing are going for?” Jeremy said as he slipped his arm around Lisa and pulled her close.

“I bet it’s a pretty penny,” Orlando said, shaking his head and smirking.

“A thousand to two thousand dollars a seat,” Jeremy said quietly. Orlando looked unimpressed, but I gaped at him.

“That much?” I said, unable to believe my ears. “That’s crazy!”

“It’s a benefit for three different charities,” Jeremy pointed out, shrugging. “The price has to be steep, or they won’t make enough to give away.”

I rolled my eyes. “No wonder it’s such a high-profile crowd tonight,” I said, looking around. I noted quite a few celebrities who weren’t from the theatre world, movie stars and TV actors, all being hounded by the cameras. “They’re the only ones who can afford to be here.”

“Imagine, Adam got us four tickets,” Lisa said, grinning at me. “I bet they didn’t just give him the seats.”

I felt Orlando tense, then relax just as quickly. His arm came around my waist and he moved closer to me. “I somehow doubt they’d make one of the performers pay for tickets,” he said, somewhat rudely. I knew it bothered him that Adam might have spent thousands of dollars for me to see the show.

“Who knows?” Lisa said, shrugging. She checked her watch. “They’ll be starting soon. We should get our seats.” She took Jeremy’s hand and led him across the lobby to the ushers. They soon disappeared through the door that led to the auditorium.

“Are you ready to go in?” I asked Orlando as he nuzzled my neck. He wasn’t much for public displays of affection, especially with this many cameras around, so I wasn’t really surprised to look up and see Adam heading toward us. I rolled my eyes and backed away a bit.

“Hey, you made it,” Adam said, kissing my cheek quickly, our earlier conversation seemingly forgotten. He was cool, and casual, and every bit the professional greeting his public. There was an indifferent air about him as he shook Orlando’s hand, and I had to admit, it bothered me.

“We wouldn’t miss it,” I said, forcing my smile to be a little wider than it should have been. “I’m sure it’ll be a great show.”

“Don’t expect anything too huge,” he said a modest grin on his face. “We’re all pretty much remembering the choreography and stuff from ten years ago. There’ll be mistakes.”

“It’s a concert,” I pointed out. “Not a full show. Don’t worry about that.”

“We should go in,” Orlando said, tugging on my hand gently. “Break a leg, mate,” he said to Adam, and I was pretty sure there was more than just ‘good luck’ behind his words. I shot him a look quickly and then hugged Adam.

“We’ll see you afterwards, okay?” I said as he released me. His hug had been too formal for my liking, but I shrugged it off.

“Of course, for the dinner,” Adam said, smiling at me. There was nothing personal about that smile, it felt like one he flashed for the cameras, with no substance behind it. As I turned away from him to follow Orlando, I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad.

The usher led us to our seats in the third row, where Lisa and Jeremy were already sitting. The stage was pretty sparse, with just the card tables and some chairs that were the regular Rent set, but it looked great. Orlando rested his hand on my knee and squeezed gently, as if letting me know he was there.

“Did you see Adam?” Lisa whispered to me, keeping her voice low so Orlando couldn’t hear her. He was talking over our heads to Jeremy, anyway, so he wasn’t paying attention.

“Yeah,” I whispered back, leaning closer to her. “He was kind of distant. That bothers me.”

“Of course it does,” she said, nudging my arm. “You love him and he’s treating you like any other fan.” She paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. “But you know what? You’d feel worse if Orlando did that to you.”

I didn’t say anything more, working over what she’d said in my mind. The lights dimmed a few seconds later, and the music began, so I didn’t get a chance to think about it.