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I was running, my legs pumping fast and hard. Sweat was pouring from my body as I tried to go faster, but couldn’t. It seemed as though every step got slower, and whatever I was running from got closer. I screamed as Sean’s face loomed above me, so suddenly that I crashed into him. He grabbed me and threw me down on the ground, tackling me and holding me down as I struggled, screaming and crying. He ripped the dress I was wearing, and I could smell his sour breath on my face as he came down fast to kiss me. I gagged, fighting with all my might, but he was too strong. I felt his weight crushing me, I heard his words, heard the awful things he was saying as he began lightly shaking my shoulder.

Wait, that wasn’t right. I opened my eyes to see Orlando sitting beside me, lightly shaking my shoulder, saying my name over and over, trying to wake me up. My body was drenched with a cold sweat, and I was trembling all over. I shook my head to clear it, then sat up, jerking away from Orlando. Lisa was standing on my other side, worry on her face.

“You’re okay now, Charlie,” Lisa said, sitting beside me and hugging me. “It was a nightmare, nothing more. You’re safe.”

“How did you know?” I rasped, my throat sore. It made sense that Orlando would be there, he shared a bed with me, but Lisa’s room was on the other side of the apartment.

“I heard you screaming from my room,” she said, grabbing some tissue from the nightstand and wiping my forehead with it. “You’re burning up, honey.”

“What time is it?”

“A little before eight,” Orlando said, bringing my attention back to him. He looked so dejected sitting there, not knowing what to do to help me.

“I have to get up,” I said, throwing the covers back. As I did so, my shoulders throbbed and I gasped. The carpet burns on my wrists were pretty sore, too. I shook it off and got up. “I need a shower.”

“Charlie,” Orlando said, getting out of bed as well. He came over and stood right in front of me. He hesitated, then tried to hug me. I pulled away.

“I’m okay,” I said, staring just over his left shoulder. I couldn’t bear to look at his eyes, to see the hurt I knew would be there. “I just need a shower.” I hurried past him, into the bathroom, and locked the door behind me.

The shower was somewhat soothing, and I felt better when I came out. I heard voices coming from the living room, so I stopped just outside the bathroom door. I heard my name, so I listened.

“Damn it, Lisa, she shouldn’t be flinching away from me,” Orlando was saying, frustration clear in his voice. “I know she can’t help it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“She’ll come around,” Lisa said calmly. “My concern is tonight, at the show, when Adam tries to touch her on stage. If she freaks out, we’re in big trouble.”

My breath caught in my throat as I thought about what she’d said. I had to be intimate with Adam on the stage, like she said, and the idea made my skin crawl. My chest was tightening just thinking about it.

“What if she’s okay with him and not with me?” Orlando said, a panicked edge entering his voice. “How am I supposed to deal with that?”

“I doubt that will happen,” Lisa said. “But if it does, know that it’s only because she’s a professional, and she knows what needs to happen for the show to go well. It’s not personal.”

“It is to me,” he said. “It’s not every day I try to make love to my girlfriend and have her stop breathing on me. Bloody hell, I can’t even touch her without her flinching like I’ve slapped her or something.”

“Given what happened to her last night, I’m not surprised,” she said. “You heard the doctor, it’ll take time and understanding. If you push her, it’ll only get worse.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore, so I went into the bedroom and closed the door quietly behind me. I couldn’t take the hurt Orlando was feeling, couldn’t deal with the idea that I was causing it. Tears welled in my eyes as I brushed out my wet hair. I found it hard to even look at my own reflection, thanks to the shame that was coursing through me. I mechanically got dressed, but I didn’t bother with make-up, and I left my hair wet around my shoulders, not caring what it looked like. I tried to disregard the bags that were forming under my eyes, and the lovely bruise that was forming on the side of my face. I didn’t even remember Sean hitting me in the face, but there it was, the proof that he must have.

I went into the kitchen for food, saying nothing as I passed through the living room. I made myself some tea, grabbed a muffin, and went back into my bedroom, keeping my head down, staying quiet. I knew they were both watching me, but I couldn’t look at them.

A short while later, just as I was finishing my muffin, I heard someone knock at the front door. It was barely eight-thirty. I got off the bed and went to the bedroom door to listen.

“Hey Adam,” Lisa said, and I heard the door close.

“How is she?” Adam’s unmistakable voice sounded tired and worn, like the rest of us.

“She’s fine,” was Orlando’s curt reply. He didn’t sound at all pleased. “Absolutely fine,” he emphasized.

“Can I see her?” Adam said, seeming to shrug off Orlando’s rudeness.

“I don’t think so,” Orlando said, getting angrier by the second. “You can see her tonight at the theatre.”

“Orlando,” I heard Lisa hiss, warning in her voice. “I’ll just ask Charlie if she’s up for visitors.” I heard her move toward my room, so I got back in bed. She opened the door a few seconds later.

“Do you feel like seeing a visitor?” she asked quietly.

I hesitated, then nodded. “Sure,” I said. I wanted to see how I reacted to Adam, to see if we’d have a problem that night.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said a minute later, smiling as he came into the room. I wasn’t surprised to see Orlando right behind him. “How’re you feeling today?”

I gave him a small smile. “I’m surviving,” I said. I looked over his shoulder at Orlando loitering in the doorway. “Can we have a minute?” I said, knowing it would anger him, but I didn’t want him there while I told Adam what was going on.

“Is that necessary?” Orlando said. He really didn’t like the idea, but I could tell he was fighting to not be the jealous boyfriend.

I nodded. “Just a few minutes, okay?” I said softly. “It’s business stuff.”

Finally he sighed. “All right,” he said, coming over to me. He kissed the top of my head gently, to which I flinched, then left the room, closing the door behind him.

“What was that about?” Adam asked, searching my face as he sat beside me on the bed. He was too damned perceptive for his own good.

Slowly, I told him what had happened the night before, after he’d left, keeping an intent eye on his face to see his reaction. All I could see was sympathy.

“See, the thing is, I’m worried about tonight,” I finished haltingly, fighting to keep from choking on my words as a lump formed in my throat. “If I freak out when Orlando touches me…” I didn’t finish the thought, not wanting to blatantly remind him that he wasn’t the man in my life.

“There’s only one way to find out,” he said, standing up. “We’ll just have to see what happens when we’re out there tonight.”

“Adam, I want you to kiss me, okay?” I said abruptly. figuring there was no other way. “I need to know if I can do it, because if I can’t, Stephanie will have to take my place. The physical intimacy between our characters is a big part of the story in the second act, and we can’t have me freaking out when you touch me.”

“Is that such a good idea, with Orlando in the other room?” He shifted uncomfortably. “He’s already pissy with me when it comes to you, I don’t really want to make it worse.”

“Adam, we have to know,” I said. “It’s like testing the water before jumping in the pool, you know? I need to know.”

He crouched down on his haunches and took my hand. I forced myself not to pull away, but my heart sped up, and not in a good way. “Do you know how ridiculous it is that I’m arguing with you about this?” he said, a serious look on his face. “If you want me to kiss you, fine, I’ll kiss you.” He paused. “It’s not like I don’t want to every day anyway.”

“Please, don’t bring that up right now,” I said softly. “This has to be strictly professional if I’m going to get through it without feeling guilty.”

He reached up and stroked my cheek, surprise passing quickly over his face as I shrank from him a bit. “Are you sure you can do this?”

“That’s what I need to find out,” I said, getting up off the bed. He rose, too, and stood in front of me. “Please, Adam, kiss me. I have to know.”

He hesitated. “Maybe Orlando should be doing this,” he said, his hands fisting at his sides, as though he was trying to restrain himself. “If you can kiss him, you can kiss me.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said. “It has to be you.” I tentatively put my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. I paused for a minute to slow my breathing, to allow my chest to relax. The feel of him pressed against me made me want to run screaming in the other direction, and that was disconcerting. Ever so slowly his hands came up to rub my back gently, hesitantly at first, then more tenderly as I began to relax. I concentrated on a spot on his sweater, focusing on breathing in and out, slowly, squeezing my eyes closed as I did so.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hands stilling. “If this is too much, just tell me.”

I shook my head. “Adam, this is my job,” I said, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. A single tear slid down my face. “I have to do this.” Resolutely I slid my hands over the back of his neck and pulled his face down to mine. He gathered me tightly against him and his lips found mine. Normally kissing Adam was a pleasure, something I actually looked forward to each night, but this was different. I couldn’t breathe, and my hands came down to his chest to push him away. The tears came faster as I backed away from him.

“That’s not good,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “Maybe I’m not the one you should be doing this with.” He went to the door and called for Orlando.

“What’s wrong, love?” Orlando said as he came into the room. He went to take me in his arms, then stopped. “What happened?” he demanded of Adam.

“How do I tell you this without you getting angry?” Adam said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Orlando, I told Adam to kiss me,” I said softly. His attention snapped back to me instantly. “But it was only because I needed to know if I could do it in the show tonight,” I added quickly, before he got really mad. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him kiss me.”

“I’m crushed,” Orlando said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“We thought she would be more comfortable kissing you first,” Adam said. “To break the ice.”

Orlando whipped around. “How the hell is she supposed to kiss me when I can’t even touch her without her flinching?” he said, his voice low and angry. “Or does that make you happy? Do you like the fact that my girlfriend won’t let me touch her?”

“Orlando,” I said, moving to stand between them. “That was uncalled for.” I cupped his face in my hands. “Listen to me, okay? My ability to do my job is on the line here. I need you to get past your own shit and help me out. We can deal with your jealousy later, but for right now, I need you to kiss me.”

“And if it doesn’t work?” he said, relaxing a bit as I moved my hands to his shoulders. “Then what?”

“Then I call Nick and tell him to put Stephanie in for me tonight,” I said sadly. I felt so strange, practically begging the two men who were in love with me to kiss me, and having them hesitate about it. I tightened my arms around Orlando’s neck and looked up into his eyes. “Please, Orlando, kiss me,” I whispered, inclining my head to him.

He hesitated for a moment, then crushed me against him, his lips tackling mine. Even though I was ready for it, he startled me, and I began to return his kiss. But as the kiss deepened, I felt the fear rush back, and I had to shove him away.

“That was progress, anyway,” Adam said, breaking through my panic. “At least you didn’t panic right at the start, like you did with me.”

Frustrated tears began to pour down my face, as I got angry with myself. I flopped down on the bed, my shoulders slouching in defeat. “I can’t do it,” I said hoarsely. “I just can’t do it. I’ll have to call Nick and tell him.”

“Wait, love, don’t do that,” Orlando said, sitting beside me and taking my hand. He squeezed it gently when I didn’t pull away. He looked up at Adam. “Try it again,” he said softly. I turned so I was facing him, and leaned toward him. “No, love, not with me,” he said. “With Adam.”

I drew back, shocked. “What?”

Orlando sighed. “It’s not me you have to be on the stage with,” he said gently. “You and I have all the time we need to get you through this, but you don’t have that kind of time with Adam. As much as I hate it, I know it’s for the show, and I don’t want you to jeopardize your Tony win by having your understudy take your place three weeks before the ceremony.”

I hadn’t thought of it like that. The fact that the Tony voters would be seeing the show over the next few weeks hadn’t occurred to me. If Stephanie went on in my place, I could kiss any chance of winning good-bye. I looked at Adam as I stood up.

“Wow, this just got even weirder,” he said, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Am I the only one who thinks this is nuts?”

“It’s for the good of the show,” Orlando said, standing up as well. He turned to me. “Do you want me to leave?” he whispered, his eyes full of concern.

I couldn’t help it. I laughed at the absurdity of the situation, at how bizarre it was. Both men looked at me like I was losing my mind. Who knows, maybe I was.

“I know I shouldn’t be laughing,” I said, thankful that I’d started to relax a bit. “But think about this. My boyfriend is asking me if I want him to leave the room so I can make out with another guy. Don’t you see just a bit of humour in that?”

Orlando smiled. “It’s pretty unusual, yes,” he said, stroking his hand down my arm. I didn’t pull away, which I took as a good sign. “But it’s what has to be done, right? I don’t want you to lose the Tony because of this.”

I looked at Adam. “Do you want him to leave?” I asked.

“It might be a bit more comfortable,” he said, shifting slightly.

“I’ll be in the living room, then,” Orlando said, kissing my cheek. He left again.

I looked at Adam. “Okay, this is surreal,” I said, wanting to take the tension out of the situation. “It feels a bit like a strange fantasy or something.”

“It’s awkward, yes,” he said. “But we need to get into character, to become Elphaba and Fiyero, if this is going to work.” He took a deep breath and gently reached out for my hands. “As long as you’re mine,” he sang softly, searching my eyes. The sound of his beautiful voice gave me shivers and I stepped closer to him. “Say there’s no future for us as a pair…”

“And though I may know, I don’t care…” I joined him, in harmony. “As long as you’re mine…” I slipped my arms around his neck and he pulled me tightly against him. Our bodies knew the choreography, the gentle swaying motion we were making in time with the non-existent music, the way our hands moved over each other. Lord knows we’d done it enough. I felt everything Elphaba was supposed to be feeling, and a surge of hope rushed through me.

“Ready?” Adam whispered, only an inch from my mouth. I was relaxing in his arms, letting myself lean against him the way I was supposed to. His breath was sweet, like usual, and the familiarity of the situation took over.

“Do it,” I whispered, sure that I couldn’t be any more ready. He pressed his lips to mine slowly, gently, the way he was supposed to, and his arms tightened around me. I mentally took stock of the situation, becoming aware of every inch of him that was touching me. I started to panic, but his gentle kisses and sweet hands lulled my body into submission. I kept the kiss going long after it should have stopped, too relieved to pull away. I finally broke the kiss, and I wasn’t shaking and my heart wasn’t pounding. I took a deep breath and grinned up at him.

“Well?” he said, stroking my cheek lightly with his finger. “How do you feel?”

“I’m okay,” I said, sucking in another deep breath. “I think I’ll be all right tonight, when the music is playing and we’re in the moment.” I sighed. “I just wish it was that easy with Orlando.” I frowned down at my feet.

“Give it time, and it will be,” Adam said, hugging me to him. I tensed and pushed him away. Without the music, the idea of the show, I still couldn’t be touched. But at least I knew I could do my job. That was all I cared about at the moment.