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For the next three hours, I sat, spellbound, as the performers in front of me put on a spectacular show. They were in street clothes for the most part, not costumes, and they were only doing bits and pieces of the dancing and other choreography, but each and every one of them completely became their characters. They did so well, it could have been a full-blown show, rather than a concert. I couldn’t take my eyes off Adam when he sang, loving how rich and powerful his voice was, how beautiful he was under the lights. I tried not to let my thoughts show on my face, but I know they did, as Orlando squeezed my leg gently every once in awhile, as if to let me know he was still there. By the end, I had tears in my eyes, and not just because the show was so powerful. I dashed them away as the lights came up and we stood to applaud.

After the show, we headed into the lobby to await the cars that would take us to the dinner a few blocks away. I was surprised when Orlando grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the photographers, causing a bit of a commotion when he did so. Within seconds the flashes started, and the questions came at us, quick and endless. I tried to catch my breath as he answered easily, but they didn’t seem to want to talk to him.

“Charlie, how do you feel about your recent Tony nod?” one rather stout reporter asked, as the photographer beside him snapped away on the camera. “Are you getting excited about the ceremony?”

I smiled. “I can’t believe I was nominated,” I said, putting on my publicity face and voice, the ‘I-love-everyone-and-everything-especially-reporters’ act that Nick had insisted I adopt in front of the cameras. “I’m sure whoever wins, they’ll be the most deserving.”

“Did you come tonight to support Adam Pascal?” This question came from a tall blonde lady with really bright red lipstick and rhinestones in her glasses. I didn’t even know they made those anymore.

“I did, yes,” I said, mentally noticing Orlando tensing beside me. I held him tighter. “Orlando and I wanted to see him perform. We’re big fans of the show.” I put lots of emphasis on ‘we’.

“Any truth to the rumor that you were involved with him earlier this year?” The blonde looked at me with a gaze so sharp I felt like she was looking through me. I didn’t let it shake me.

“Of course not,” I laughed, my smile getting wider and brighter. “We have a professional respect, and a very deep friendship, and that’s all. Besides, he’s married, and I’m quite happy with Orlando.” I grinned up at him. I was shocked when he leaned down and kissed my cheek. He had his press-face on, too, with no emotions other than an ecstatic happiness that the cameras seemed to want.

“But he’s separated from his wife,” the stout reporter practically shouted at me. “And you weren’t with Orlando at the time. Are you still denying the rumors?”

“Absolutely,” I said, my confidence never wavering. If I didn’t look like I believed what I was saying, they’d never believe it, so I had to play the part. “Adam and I were never involved.” The lie made my stomach twist, but I ignored it.

“Let’s just ask him, shall we?” the blonde reporter said, glancing over my shoulder. I turned to see Adam striding toward us, a big grin on his face. It was the same empty grin I’d seen earlier and it was unsettling. “Adam! Come talk to us for a minute!” the reporter called, waving to him.

“Hello, all,” he said easily, slipping in beside me, on the opposite side to Orlando. Orlando’s arm tightened around me a bit. “Did you enjoy the show?” He was all easy grace and charm, everything the star of a big show should be in front of the cameras.

“We were just asking Charlie here if you two were involved,” the stout reporter said, his dark eyes flashing mischievously.

“Come on, now, Stan,” Adam said, his smile never wavering. I don’t think anyone else noticed the tightness around his eyes. “That’s quite the question to be asking in front of her boyfriend.” The reporters laughed, like a bunch of hyenas. I kept my smile frozen to my face.

“That wasn’t really an answer, Pascal,” Stan said, his tape recorder almost right in Adam’s face.

“What do you think the answer is?” Adam said, tilting his head to one side, the way he did when he was teasing. The last time I’d seen him do that, we’d been in his hotel room in Kitchener, right after we’d made love. I forced the thought from my mind.

“You tell me.” Stan just wasn’t giving up, and Adam’s avoidance of the subject was starting to say too much.

He laughed that easy laugh again and put his arm around my shoulders, like we were buddies. “As much as I’d love to claim that rumor is true, I can’t do it,” Adam said, giving me a buddy-like squeeze. “I think Orlando here would have my hide if it were true. And I’m sure my wife’s lawyers would have a field day.” He winked down at me. “Don’t you guys have any better questions than that?”

We spent the next few minutes talking about the Tony awards, and Wicked, and Orlando mentioned his up-coming movie premiere for the first Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. I marveled to myself how easy we all were with the press, how phony I knew it was, but how genuine it seemed to them. We signed some autographs, and then made our way to the cars to go to dinner. Adam went with the rest of the Rent cast, and Orlando and I got a car to ourselves.

“You dodged that bullet nicely, love,” Orlando said as we settled in the back seat. “I didn’t know you could lie so well.”

“Don’t start,” I said, rubbing his knee gently. “I couldn’t very well come out and say that I slept with him, now could I? You should know better than anyone what a public persona is all about. I somehow doubt that little tidbit of information would fit in with mine.”

“Even when he’s being distant, he can’t keep his hands off you.” Orlando’s tone was harder now, with a definite edge. I didn’t like where this was heading.

“He was being friendly for the cameras,” I said, with an exasperated sigh. “How many times have I seen pictures of you draped all over your current leading ladies? You know it’s part of the job.”

“Maybe so, but we both know what’s behind it.”

“Are you really turning into the jealous boyfriend on me?” I said, pulling my hand from his knee as the car stopped at a red light. “Because last time I checked, that wasn’t who you are.”

“I’m trying to be okay with this, Charlie,” he said, the hard edge creeping into his voice even more. “But I’m getting a little tired of seeing another guy all over my girlfriend.”

“He’s going to London soon, so you don’t have to worry about him anymore,” I snapped, sliding away from him on the seat. I looked out the window at the traffic.

“Do I need to worry about him now?” The hard edge was gone, replaced only by sadness.

“Don’t be stupid,” I spat, not looking at him.

“I don’t think I’m being stupid, Charlie,” he said, lightly touching my arm. “Tell me, love. Do I need to be worried about him?”

I faced him, really looked at his face, into his eyes, saw the hurt and sadness there. An ache spread through my body at the idea that I was the one hurting him. “Orlando, listen to me,” I said lightly. “You have nothing to worry about. He’s a friend, nothing more and I’d never disrespect you, or us, for that matter, by being with him now. I love you, I’m with you, and that’s all you need to know.”

“I wish I could believe that,” Orlando said, a sad smile playing over his lips. “But something tells me you’re not quite over him. Call it a nagging suspicion, call it paranoia, call it whatever you like, darling, but I know it’s there.”

“What makes you say that?” I dared to ask.

“The way you can let him touch and kiss you every night, but when I try to give you more than a peck, you pull away and shut down on me,” he said, without hesitation, as though he’d been thinking about it.

“That’s my job,” I said, knowing it sounded weak. “I have to do that. It’s important.”

“And being with me isn’t?”

Shit. I knew I’d worded that wrong. “That’s not what I meant,” I said, a lump forming in my throat.

“Then what did you mean, Charlie?” There was no anger in his voice, only that unendurable sadness, that longing I’d heard so much lately.

“I just meant that it’s forced every night with him,” I said, the words jumbling in my mind as I struggled to undo what I’d done. “I don’t ever want anything to be forced with us. I don’t want to have to trick myself into letting you kiss me, like I do with Adam. That’s not fair to either one of us.” I knew it wasn’t true, that there was no tricking involved in my stage kisses each night, but I didn’t want him to know that.

“Then don’t force it,” Orlando said, his eyes shining under the street lights outside the car. We were almost to the dinner. “Just let it happen naturally. Let yourself remember what it used to be like.”

“I wish it were that easy,” I said, a bitter smile on my lips. “I don’t want to talk about this right now, okay? The point is, there’s nothing going on between Adam and me, and you need to relax and stop being so damned jealous.” Just as I stopped speaking, the car stopped moving. I opened my door and jumped out, leaving Orlando to follow me inside.

We didn’t speak again until we were settled at our table, with Lisa and Jeremy, near the front of the room. It was set up like a wedding reception, with all of the performers from that night’s show at the head table, and the rest of us at smaller tables throughout the room. Adam was sitting between Anthony Rapp, who played Mark, and the original Mimi, Daphne Ruben-Vega, looking charming and confident, as usual. He was talking animatedly, and had yet to see me. I didn’t know if that was good or not.

The dinner we were served a short time later was delicious, and I was thankful that Adam had ordered a vegetarian meal for me. Orlando didn’t say much throughout the meal, at least not to me. He and Jeremy chatted for a bit, while Lisa and I talked about the upcoming Tony awards, and the fact that I still didn’t have a dress. The beautiful red dress I’d picked out before, the really expensive one, still lingered in my mind, as much as I tried to get away from it.

“Do we know if you’re coming to the ceremony?” Lisa asked Orlando around a mouthful of chicken. “Because if you’re not, Charlie here needs a date.” She winked at me.

“I think I’ll be around for it,” Orlando said, taking a sip of wine. “I don’t think I’d want to miss it.” I knew exactly what he was thinking as his eyes darted ever-so-casually at the head table. He’d make damn sure he was there, just so I couldn’t go with Adam. I sighed.

“It’s all a moot point if I don’t find a decent dress,” I said, sipping my water. “We’ll have to go shopping again soon.”

“What about the dress you already picked out?” Jeremy said, munching on some steamed vegetables. “Lisa said you found the perfect dress. Why are you still looking?”

“Lisa also told you why she didn’t buy that dress,” Lisa said, through clenched teeth. She punched him lightly under the table. “God, you’ve got a big mouth.”

Orlando looked from them to me as he swallowed his food. “You found a dress?” he said, a puzzled expression on his face. “Why didn’t you buy it?”

I shrugged, my face heating up at the idea of having to tell him I couldn’t afford it. “I, uh, they didn’t, uh, have my size,” I stammered, looking down at my plate. I began pushing my salad around with my fork, just to avoid looking at him. “It’s no big deal.”

“Charlie.” The tone of his voice made me look up. We may have been having a disagreement earlier, but there was no mistaking the love and gentleness in his voice and in his eyes as he looked at me now. I felt my throat tighten as I fought the urge to cry. “Tell me the truth, love.”

I felt Lisa’s and Jeremy’s eyes on me as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Okay, it’s not a big deal, but I couldn’t afford the dress,” I said quickly, wanting to get it over with. “Don’t worry about it,” I added, meeting his eyes.

He didn’t say anything for a minute, then he stood up and offered me his hand. “Come outside with me for a minute,” he said. I obediently took his hand and he led me from the room.

Once we were outside the banquet hall, he gathered me against him and just held me for a minute. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?” he said into my hair. “Damn it, Charlie, I thought we were past the point where money was an issue.”

“It’s not an issue to you because you have lots of it,” I said, pulling back to look up at him. “I just don’t like admitting that I still can’t afford certain things, that’s all. All of my money is going into a savings plan, so I can buy a house someday, and I’m still living like I did in college. There just isn’t enough money to save and buy extravagant dresses as well, it’s that simple.”

“And asking me didn’t occur to you?” His eyes searched mine.

I shook my head and looked away. “You know how I feel about that,” I said as he pulled me against him again and held me, his hands stroking over my back. Thank God we were on a New York City street, and the people passing by were too jaded to care about us. “I can’t take money from you.”

“I know you don’t like to, but this is important,” Orlando said into my ear. His hands on my back were firm but gentle, and I found myself relaxing into him. “I want you to have the most beautiful dress there is for when you win your award. Besides, it can’t have been that expensive. What are we talking about here, five, six thousand dollars?”

“Twenty-five hundred,” I said into his shoulder.

“That’s nothing for a decent dress,” he said, chuckling. “Kate spent more than that for a regular dinner dress, let alone something to wear to an awards show.” He froze as soon as he stopped speaking.

“Of course she did,” I said, bitterness rising in me. “But she could afford to do it, and didn’t need you to pay for things for her. She has a successful career, remember? I’m just a theatre bum who barely gets by.” I shoved him away and turned my back to him, fighting to regain my control. I don’t know why I snapped at him the way I did, but his reference to Kate didn’t sit right with me, like he was comparing us.

“Come on now, love,” he said, lightly grabbing my shoulders and spinning me around to face him again. “Don’t do this. My point was, it’s not unusual for these dresses to cost an arm and a leg, and if you don’t have the money, Lord knows I do. We’ll go shopping for it tomorrow.” He kissed my forehead. “And you’re not a theatre bum, darling. You’re a brilliant stage performer who’s up for the most prestigious award in her industry.” He grinned down at me. “You shouldn’t speak so badly of the woman I love,” he teased.

I couldn’t help but smile up at him, at his goofy expression. “You always know just what to say to make me smile, don’t you?” I said, slipping my arms around his neck. “Okay, I’ll let you buy the dress, but I’m paying you back every penny. I don’t ever want it to be said that I’m a mooch or something.”

He leaned down and brushed a gentle kiss over my lips and squeezed me against him. “You’re paranoid, love,” he said, pressing his forehead to mine. “Now, let’s go back inside, okay?”

I nodded and let go of him. He led me back inside, to our table. We’d just sat down again when Adam came over to us.

“Are you up for more photos?” he asked, squatting down beside me.

I nodded as I took a sip of water. “Sure,” I said, then turned to Orlando. “Is that okay?”

He forced a smile. “Of course, love,” he said, rubbing my knee gently.

I stood up and followed Adam to the other side of the room, where a backdrop had been set up, with lights and quite a few photographers. Some of the other Rent cast members were already there, posing for pictures, laughing and smiling. I kind of felt out of place, considering I wasn’t part of the cast, but Adam took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I noticed there were other people in front of the cameras, I assumed they were significant others and such, so I didn’t feel so bad. We spent the next hour or so smiling and posing in different groups, and by the time we were done, I was exhausted.

Just as I was heading back to my table, Adam grabbed my arm again. “There are some people I want you to meet,” he said, his old familiar smile back in place. I was a little uncomfortable at how intimate that smile was, considering there were still reporters and photographers everywhere.

“I kind of want to go back to my table,” I said, gently pulling my arm away. “Can we do it later?”

“Come on, Charlie, it will only take a minute,” he said, his eyes searing into mine.

I sighed. “Okay, but just for a minute,” I said, giving in. I looked over my shoulder at Orlando, motioned that I’d only be a minute, and followed Adam to the head table.

“Idina Menzel, this is Charlie Madison,” Adam introduced me to the raven-haired beauty sitting at the table. “Charlie, this is Idina.” Of course I knew who she was, since she’d originated the part I was now playing in Wicked. She was the original Elphaba, and had the Tony award to prove it. Her voice was amazing, so strong and pure, and she was beautiful, too. I’d loved her in Rent, both the production and the movie, and I couldn’t help but smile now, as she smiled back up at me. We shook hands.

“So you’re the newest Elphaba, are you?” she teased, winking at me. “I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ve heard you’re awesome.”

“Coming from you, that’s a huge compliment,” I said, blushing. “I saw your original run twice, and you were amazing.”

“Thank you,” she said, smiling. “You know, it’s not often that a show gets nominated for a Tony twice, especially within such a short time frame. Are you nervous?”

I laughed. “Petrified,” I said. “We’ve been working on the medley like crazy, and it just seems that there aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes. But I’m loving every minute of it.”

We chatted for a few minutes, then Idina got called away for an interview, so Adam took my hand and led me further down the table. Over the next little while, I was introduced to the rest of the cast, and then Adam finally took me back to my table. Lisa and Jeremy were long gone, and Orlando was sitting there alone, looking rather bored.

“Sorry to have kept her for so long,” Adam said as I sat down. I gave Orlando a kiss on the cheek and rubbed his leg gently under the table.

“I’m sure you are,” Orlando said, a perfectly pleasant expression on his face that contradicted the biting sarcasm that dripped from his words. “But then, consideration has never been your strong suit, has it, mate?”

“Orlando,” I hissed, squeezing his knee roughly. “Don’t be rude.”

“It’s okay, Charlie,” Adam said, shifting uncomfortably. “I understand where he’s coming from.”

“If that were true, you’d back off, now wouldn’t you?” Orlando said.

“I have, believe me,” Adam said, a sad expression on his face. “I’m guessing Charlie didn’t tell you that I’m going to London?”

“I haven’t yet, no,” I said, glancing from one to the other.

“Should I be upset?” Orlando said, rolling his eyes.

“No,” Adam said, getting slightly frustrated. “I’m just saying you won, okay? I’m going away for awhile, and she’s all yours.”

“Funny, I didn’t think she was anything but to begin with,” Orlando said. I didn’t like the tone of his voice, or the way this conversation was going.

“I know you don’t like to admit it, but Charlie and I have something between us,” Adam said, his voice rising a bit. People around us started to stare. “And you know, she never has a problem kissing me now. Do you think maybe that says something?”

Orlando stood up slowly, his whole body rigid with anger. His eyes were almost black as he faced Adam, his hands clenched at his sides.

“Okay, enough,” I said, jumping up to stand between them. “Orlando, we need to go home, now.”

Suddenly Orlando’s whole demeanor changed, and he was relaxed again. He slipped his arm around me and cast a nasty smirk over his shoulder at Adam. “Yes, let’s do that, love,” he said, though he wasn’t looking at me. The gloating expression on his face was so obvious, I wanted to slap him. People were starting to notice something was wrong. His arm tightened around my waist.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow afternoon,” I said to Adam as Orlando all but dragged me from the room. The anger and sadness on Adam’s face were unmistakable, and I wondered how long it would be before someone noticed.

I didn’t say anything until we got back to the apartment. I was too busy trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to figure out what kind of mess I’d gotten myself into again. I was angry beyond belief at Adam for his comments, but I was also pissed at Orlando for being a jerk about it. I hated being caught in the middle.

“So are you going to talk to me, love?” Orlando said when we were changing in our bedroom. My back was to him as I pulled on my fleece pajamas, and I was practically trembling with anger.

“Should I be talking to you?” I said, keeping my voice as calm as possible. I didn’t want to fly off the handle, I wanted to talk about this rationally.

“I don’t see why not,” he said, and I felt him come up behind me. “I’m not the one who was being a prat tonight.”

“From where I stood, you were both being assholes,” I said, turning to face him. “We can’t even have a simple night out without something like this happening. You know, I’ll be glad when Adam goes to London, and when you go to do your publicity stuff for Pirates. At least then I’ll get some peace. I shouldn’t have to keep juggling my boyfriend and my co-star, it’s just too hard.”

“You really want me to go away?” He looked so hurt, and I couldn’t blame him.

I sighed. “I want to stop this whole thing between you and Adam,” I said softly. “Until Sean’s attack, it wasn’t an issue, but now it seems to be a competition between the two of you, and I can’t handle that. Do you think it makes me feel good that I can’t be intimate with the man I love? Do you think it’s reassuring to me that I can relax with another man, but not with you? And do you think it helps me to know that I have to balance out the affection I show to each of you, or else shit like tonight happens? I mean, good God, I feel like a broken record, saying the same damned thing all the time, but it doesn’t seem to be getting through.”

As I stood there, my chest heaving, tears streaming down my face, something shifted inside of me, and the next thing I knew, I was in his arms, my mouth crushing down on his, taking what I was suddenly desperate to have, what we’d both been denied for far too long. He didn’t even hesitate before lifting me up into his arms and almost throwing me down on the bed, coming quickly down on top of me. My hands were all over him, grabbing everything I could touch, reveling in the soft skin that covered solid muscle, the silky hair that had come free from its ponytail, the harsh stubble on his face. My mind was completely shut off, and my body was in control.

Before we could get too far, though, my chest began to tighten and my body recoiled from him, shoving him roughly off of me.

“I can’t do this,” I panted, pulling my pajama top closed around me. I looked over at Orlando, at the frustration on his face, and tears welled in my eyes. “Please, don’t hate me,” I whispered. I felt like I was always apologizing to him in some way or another.

He sat up and rammed his hands through his hair roughly. “What the hell was that?” he asked, trying to control his breathing.

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head sadly. “I wanted you, but when push came to shove, I couldn’t do it.” The tears came faster, and I began to tremble. “I hate this, Orlando, I really do.”

He sighed and took me in his arms, pressing my head against his chest. He didn’t seem to mind that my tears were soaking his bare skin. “I know, love,” he soothed, rubbing my back gently. “I hate it, too, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“God, what’s wrong with me?” I sobbed, clutching at him, burying my face in his neck. “I’m such a mess.”

“There’s not much we can do about it tonight,” Orlando said again, kissing my head gently. He’d retreated back into himself, to that calm and distant exterior I was starting to get used to. I felt the tension in his body as he held me.

“What are you thinking?” I whispered, pulling back to look up into his eyes. “And don’t tell me ‘nothing,’ because we both know that’s not true.”

He pulled away from me and shrugged. “I’m not too sure what to think right now,” he said, avoiding my eyes. He stood up and went around the bed to his side, sitting down with his back to me. “We need to just get some sleep, and we can talk about this another time.” He laid down under the covers, still with his back to me. “Good night, love,” he said.

I didn’t know what to think as I stared at his back. Finally, I got into bed myself and turned out the light. I stared at the dark ceiling for a long time before sleep finally took over.