Home

When I got home from the theatre that night, Deanna was curled up on the sofa bed with a movie on, and Orlando was in the bedroom, waiting for me. It was after eleven o’clock, and I was really tired from the show.

“How did it go?” Deanna asked as I hung my jacket in the closet. She sat up in bed and pulled her knees to her chest, the same way I always did. Even in her purple flannel pajamas, she still looked too grown-up for her own good.

“It was fine,” I said, going into the kitchen. “Do you want some tea or a pop or anything?”

“No, thanks, I have some orange juice,” she called. I heard her pause the movie, and she came into the kitchen. “Charlie, is something wrong?” she asked as she sat at the kitchen table with me while I waited for the kettle to boil. “You seem angry with me.”

I sighed. “I’m just kind of shocked that you’re here, that’s all,” I said, shrugging. “You have to look at this from an adult perspective, Dee. You ditched school, you hopped a bus to one of the most dangerous cities in the world, and from what I hear, those are only two things on the list of problems you’ve been having lately. It seems as though you think the whole world revolves around you, and that’s not the case at all. Aunt Tess is still your guardian, and whether you like it or not, she makes the rules.”

“But her rules are so unfair,” Deanna said, her voice turning slightly whiney. “She just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be young and in love. She’s so strict, she never wants me to see Ethan, and she even changed my curfew because I was going out with him instead of my friends. I’m grown up now, I don’t need so many rules.”

“Honey, you’re fifteen,” I pointed out gently. “You’re not grown up yet. And those rules that seem so unfair are for your own good. She’s always been fair with you, more fair than most parents would be, but when you’re breaking curfew and being disrespectful and rude, how can she do anything but put harsher rules on you?”

“I haven’t been disrespectful and rude,” Deanna protested.

“Oh no?” I arched an eyebrow at her. “What do you call your little stunt today?”

“I took matters into my own hands,” she said simply, but I could tell by the look on her face that she knew her little bus trip was wrong. “I just want to be in a serious relationship, and not have anyone telling me what to do, like you have with Orlando.”

I laughed, I couldn’t help it. “You think Orlando and I don’t have restrictions?” I said, getting up as the kettle began to boil.

“You can stay out as late as you want, you can be together without anyone bugging you about it. Yeah, I think it’s a pretty sweet deal.” She looked so convinced, I chuckled again.

“Let me tell you a few things about your little theory,” I said as I poured myself a tea. “We have more restrictions on us than anyone your age could possibly understand. Granted, we don’t have a curfew, but most of the time, we only get to see each other for a day or two before we have to be separated for weeks, even months, at a time. His career is worse than any parent could be, and there are days when I would kill to have him around, even for a few hours a day.”

“But you don’t have anyone watching your every move when you’re with him,” Deanna protested, clearly getting upset. “There isn’t someone in the room all the time, preventing you from being, well, you know, affectionate.”

“Dee, are you talking about sex?” Just the idea of my little cousin having sex was enough to make me feel sick. I still thought of her as a little girl, I probably always would. Sex was not something that I’d ever factored into her life at all.

“Not, you know, all the way,” she said, her face turning red. “But it would be nice to be able to kiss my boyfriend without worrying that Aunt Tess could come into the room at any time.”

“Okay, look,” I said, trying to get my own embarrassment under wraps. “Orlando and I are completely different than you and Ethan, mainly because we’re adults. Deanna, honey, you’re fifteen, you shouldn’t be worrying about sex yet. Lord knows you have enough time for that later. Don’t rush it.”

“But Ethan wants to,” she said, almost in a whisper. “And I think I do, too.”

Suddenly my stomach felt like I’d swallowed a rock. I took a sip of too-hot tea, burning my tongue in the process, just so I didn’t have to speak yet. I suddenly understood how my dad felt when I mentioned sex in any way, or it came up when I was in the room. Even though I wasn’t Deanna’s parent or guardian, I still thought of her as more of a little sister than anything else, and hearing her say she was ready for sex was more than I could handle.

“Um, okay,” I said slowly, when my tongue stopped burning. “How, uh, how do you know you want to?” As uncomfortable as I was, I wanted her to feel she could talk to me about it. I figured that way at least I could keep tabs on it before it got out of hand.

A huge grin spread over her face. “I get a really tingly feeling in my stomach when we’re kissing,” she whispered, like we were best friends sharing secrets. I bit my tongue to keep from interrupting her. “And when he hugs me, I want more, but I’m not really sure what. I get really warm and I feel really, um, what’s the word?”

“Urgent?” I supplied, knowing exactly the feeling she was talking about. I felt it every time I was within ten feet of Orlando.

“Yeah, that’s it,” she said, nodding. “And when my friends talk about sex, they get all giggly and stuff, but I don’t feel like giggling with Ethan. It’s too serious for that.”

“Have you talked to him about this?” I dared to ask.

“We’ve talked about it a couple of times,” she said, suddenly seeming so much more mature than her age.

“And what did you talk about?”

“The stuff we’re supposed to talk about,” she said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Like?” I prompted. I didn’t want all the gory details that could come from a nineteen-year-old male mind, but I needed to know she’d had the right conversations if she was seriously considering sex with this guy.

“Like birth control and what we’ll do if I get pregnant,” she said, very matter-of-factly. “And diseases and stuff.” She shrugged.

“Where did you hear about all that stuff?”

“School,” she said. “My school does a sex-ed class and Aunt Tess let me take it. They taught us about things like condoms and the pill, and STDs and stuff. So Ethan and I talked it all out.”

“Um, that’s good,” I said, somewhat hesitantly. “But there’s a lot more that goes into it that those classes don’t talk about.”

“Like what?” She looked confused. I could tell she was proud of herself for being so adult about the whole thing, but there was a whole other side to it that she wasn’t seeing.

“Like how you’ll feel afterwards, for one,” I said, taking another sip of my tea. “Like what it can do to a relationship. Like the fact that you only get one first time, and it shouldn’t be rushed just because you think you’re in love.”

“But I am in love,” she snapped.

“I’m not saying you’re not,” I said calmly. “But there are different kinds of love, and though you’re in love with Ethan now, there may be another man, later in your life, who you’ll love like no one you’ve ever loved before, and I don’t want you to look back and regret jumping into sex with someone else.”

“Is that how you feel?”

I paused. I hadn’t thought of it that way. My first time had been with my first serious boyfriend in high school, when I was sixteen. His parents hadn’t come home from work yet one day after school, and we had had sex on his bed, because he really wanted to. He was a senior, and therefore older than me, and I loved him in that puppy-love, first-love way and wanted him to be happy. We’d broken up a few months later, when he went to college. In hindsight, now that I was older, and wiser, and knew what real love felt like, it probably wasn’t the best thing I could have done, but at the time, at such a young age, I’d thought I was making the right decision.

“Not exactly,” I said finally, after she’d stared at me for a minute. “I just wish I had waited a bit more, that’s all.” The truth was, it was bothering me more now than it ever had since it’d happened. Part of me was now wishing that Orlando had been my first, only because he was the first man that showed me what true love really was. And of course, this conversation reminded me that he was waiting for me in the bedroom. A little grin tugged at the corners of my mouth.

“What’s that smile for?” Deanna asked, a knowing grin that was entirely too old for her on her face.

“Nothing,” I said, sobering again. “Look, all I’m saying is that it may feel like the right time, but don’t do something that you can’t take back. Once you take that step, you can’t go back. It’s done and over with, and believe me, for better or worse, it’s something you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Just make sure you know what you want before you do it.” I paused for a second. “And talk to Aunt Tess before you do, so she can get you the right birth control methods, okay?”

“She’s going to freak,” Deanna said, shaking her head. “She hates Ethan.”

“She doesn’t hate him, baby,” I said. “She is just a little wary of the age difference between you, that’s all.”

“But there’s more of a difference between you and Orlando and no one seems to care,” she almost pouted. I waited for her to cross her arms and stick out her bottom lip, like she had when she was younger, but it didn’t happen.

“And when you’re my age, it won’t matter,” I said. “I’m an adult, remember? You’re not, as much as you like to believe otherwise. Besides, stop comparing you and Ethan to me and Orlando. We’re a world apart.”

“Oh, so you’re better than me, is that it?” Tears welled in her eyes.

“I didn’t say that, now did I?” I said, putting my hand on her arm. “I’m just saying, we’re older, and the circumstances are different, that’s all.” I sighed. “Okay, it’s time for you to get to bed. We can talk about this more tomorrow, if you want to. I have to be at the theatre for rehearsal at noon, but we’ll find some time if need be.”

She stood up. “Thanks, Charlie,” she said. “I just might take you up on that.”

“TV and lights off, all right?” I said, standing and following her into the living room. She climbed into bed and I shut off the TV. She reached up and turned the lamp off beside her. “Good night, kiddo,” I said, pausing at my bedroom door.

“G’night, Charlie,” she said, sounding sleepy. I went into the bedroom and closed the door.

When I turned around, Orlando was sitting on the bed, smiling at me. He didn’t say anything, just stood to take me in his arms. I sagged against him, burying my face in his neck.

“I didn’t think you were ever coming in,” he chuckled into my hair.

“I had a little chat with Deanna,” I said, pulling back to look up at him. “She’s growing up entirely too fast, you know?”

“It was bound to happen sometime,” he pointed out, leaning down to brush a gentle kiss over my lips. “How do you think Tess feels?”

I kissed him back before answering. “I don’t know how she does it. When Dee asked me about sex, I wanted to crawl under the table. She’s seriously considering doing it with this Ethan guy, and she seems pretty well-informed.”

“That’s better than going in blind, isn’t it?” He backed up to the bed and pulled me down into his lap. His hands stilled on my back as I turned to face him. Worrying about Deanna had considerably slowed my libido, and I wanted to talk about it with him.

“I guess it is,” I said. “But she’s only fifteen. She’s so young.”

“That’s not so young anymore, love,” Orlando pointed out. “I was fourteen, and that was how long ago? As long as she knows the risks involved, what’s the harm?”

“Wait a minute, did you say you were fourteen when you first had sex?” I stared at him in shock. “Fourteen? Really?”

He laughed and hugged me close. “What can I say, some of us are ready earlier than others,” he said, kissing me. “The point is, it’s bound to happen sometime, and it’s better if she’s up front and honest about it than if she sneaks around and tries to hide it from you.”

“I suppose,” I said, still trying to get my head around what he’d said. And I’d thought sixteen was young. “I just don’t want her to look back on her first experience the way I look back on mine, though. I guess that’s what’s bothering me, more than anything.”

“How do you want it to be different?” he asked, his eyes searching mine. I realized as I looked at him that we’d never really discussed our sexual histories, other than our most recent partners. We’d certainly never talked about losing our virginities. I figured now was as good a time as any.

“I just don’t want her to look back and think that she could have made a better decision,” I said finally, after rolling it around in my head for a few seconds. “I mean, at the time, I thought it was the greatest idea, that my boyfriend would love me more and all that stuff. Don’t get me wrong, he did love me, in that way that teenagers love each other, but it wasn’t that mind-blowing kind of love, you know?”

“Like we have?” he teased, kissing my nose.

I snuggled closer to him. “Exactly,” I said. “And all the stuff Deanna knows is technical, so she’s not really preparing herself for the emotional part of it. I remember, I walked around in a fog for three days afterwards, I was so happy I’d done it. Not so much because of the pleasure, because Lord knows there was very little of that, but because I’d finally done what all my friends were talking about. That sounds really shallow to me now, and I cringe at the idea that it came from my head.”

“At that age, I’m not sure what else you should feel,” Orlando said softly, gently kneading the flesh of my back. “The chances of a teenaged guy being experienced enough to show his partner the true wonders of sex are slim to nil, unfortunately. Deanna may be a bit luckier than most, though, because her boyfriend is older, so he may know a few more tricks.”

“God, I don’t even want to think about that,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder and I pressed myself tighter to him. “There’s nothing worse than a fumbling lover.”

“Speaking from personal experience, darling?” The teasing tone of his voice made me smile.

“Not recent experience,” I said, nipping his ear playfully. “I think I’ve only had two or three lovers in my life who actually knew what they were doing. The rest were just there for themselves, and that’s a complete turn-off.”

“Oh really?” I saw his self-satisfied grin as I kissed his cheek. “Do go on, love.”

“Well, after Charles, there was Daniel,” I said, counting off on my fingers as I went.

“Wait, your first time was with a guy called Charles?” Orlando said, barely suppressing a laugh. “Charlie and Charlie, huh?”

“Well, everyone else called him Charlie,” I said, grinning. “I called him Charles, just so it didn’t get weird. He said it felt strange to be calling out his own name during sex, so he called me Charlotte.” I shrugged. “You can’t help who you love, right? Now can I continue?”

“Yes, please do.” He was really amused, and his smile was so big it had to have hurt his face.

“Okay, so after Charles, there was Daniel, like I said,” I went on. “He was a summer fling between high school and college, and he was the clumsiest oaf ever. You’d never know it to look at him, though, because he seemed very feminine, very graceful.” I paused, thinking. Orlando’s hands had strayed to my sweater and were slowly working on the buttons as I talked, so I had trouble keeping my thoughts together.

“And after him?” Orlando breathed against my collarbone, after tugging my sweater back lightly to expose it. He began placing little nipping kisses over the skin he’d uncovered.

“Uh, I dated a professor while I was in University,” I said, struggling to get the words out. “He was younger than my other professors, and he was my first lover who actually knew what he was doing.” I sucked in my breath sharply as my sweater was slid down my arms and thrown on the floor, leaving me only in my pink silk camisole. “Uh, then I had a brief fling with a friend I’d met my third year of University, but it didn’t last long.” The button on my jeans was opened, and the zipper was slid down, slowly, torturously. “Do you want me to keep going?” I whispered hoarsely, tangling my hands in his hair.

“Yes,” he said, kissing along my jaw. His hands crept over the skin under the bottom of my camisole and my knees buckled. I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, fighting off the waves of delicious pleasure he was causing to ripple over me.

“Okay, uh, after Ken, there was Sam, a guy I worked with at the library,” I continued, though it took every ounce of strength in my body not to just kiss Orlando and stop the words. “He was a friend, too, and after awhile we realized there was no spark, so we went back to being friends.” My camisole slid up over my stomach to just below my breasts, and warm fingers teased my belly button. “Uh, then there was Ramsey,” I said, arching forward slightly as Orlando’s tongue dipped lightly into my ear and his finger pressed into my belly button at the same time. “You can guess what he was like. Oh, God, that feels good,” I couldn’t help but gasp as he continued his assault on my body. “Then, wow, oh, uh, then you, and we both know how I feel about, uh, about you.” I paused. “And there was Adam, too.”

He didn’t miss a beat, just slipped my camisole up over my head and threw it on the floor with my sweater. He lifted me in his arms as he stood up, with my legs around his waist, and laid me down on the bed.

“So how do you think we’re doing?” he teased, coming down on his elbow beside me. “You haven’t cringed away from me yet, love.”

I smiled. “Is that what this was about?” I said, reaching up to stroke my fingers down his cheek. “You wanted me to keep talking so that I couldn’t get scared of you?”

“Yes, that was exactly my intent, darling,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss my chest just below my collarbone. “Did it work?” he asked, his breath warm against my skin.

“I’d say so,” I breathed, pulling his t-shirt up over his back. He sat up to throw it off. “Make love to me, Orlando,” I whispered, bringing him down on top of me. His lips met mine in a passionate kiss as his hands began to push my jeans down my legs. As he rolled me beneath him and I gave in to the pleasure he never failed to bring me, I realized how much I’d missed being with him, and how truly at home I felt in his arms, with his skin against mine. I only hoped that when Deanna finally made her decision, she was with someone who could make her feel exactly the same way.