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Dr. Cuthbert came to see me while I was eating breakfast the next morning. He did a final check on my stitches, asked me a few questions, then said I was ready to go home.

Orlando arrived shortly after Dr. Cuthbert had left. He helped me get dressed, gathered up all of my things, and wheeled me to the waiting car in front of the hospital. He helped me in, and we went home.

I was shocked at the overwhelming relief I felt when I got in the apartment. My leg was throbbing from doing five flights of stairs, but I didn’t care. I was home. Orlando took me into my bedroom.

Someone had cleaned up the mess I’d made in my room, and had put fresh bedding on the bed, complete with a new baby blue quilt. I smiled when I saw the huge arrangement of pink roses on the dresser, and the bottle of champagne in an ice bucket beside it.

“Someone’s been busy,” I teased as Orlando helped me to the bed.

“Lisa cleaned up the mess,” he said as I sat down and he lifted my legs onto the bed, then pulled the covers over them. I still had three days before I could do more than go back and forth to the bathroom.

“And the roses?” I said, grinning up at him. “Were they Lisa as well?”

He gave me a warm smile. “No, no,” he said, going to the dresser and picking up the vase. “These are all me.” He brought them to me so I could smell them. They were glorious and fresh, and I sighed at the wonderful memories their scent brought back.

“They’re beautiful,” I said, leaning back on my pillows as he replaced the roses on the dresser.

“You should get some rest now, love,” he said, easing himself onto the bed beside me. He sat against the headboard, and I snuggled against his side. “I know it was hard for you to get up those stairs.”

“It’ll get easier,” I murmured against his chest. I ran my fingers over his stomach, the disbelief that he was still with me lingering in the back of my mind. I shut out the idea that he’d be leaving again soon. I yawned. “Don’t leave, okay?” I whispered, my eyelids feeling very heavy.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, love,” he said, stroking his hands over my back and down my arm. He bent slightly to kiss the top of my head. I cuddled in closer and drifted off to sleep.

The next few days went by quickly, and before I knew it, I was saying good-bye to Orlando again. This had to be my least-favourite part of being with him, but I put on a brave face for him before he went to the airport. Once he was gone, however, I dissolved into tears.

I was back to work within two weeks of being released from the hospital. I’d missed the stage, and the audience, and I was glad to have that rush back again. It took my mind off of the fact that I was worrying about where Orlando was, who he was with, and what he was doing. I’d never had those worries before, and I found that if I really let myself think about them, I got angry all over again, and that was the last thing I needed.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t always push away the distrust I felt. One night, a few weeks after I went back to work, I found myself in my empty apartment, stewing over why Orlando hadn’t called me in four days. When I heard Lisa’s key in the front door lock, I was relieved. I could talk to her instead of putting in yet another call to Orlando’s cell phone, only to have it go unanswered and unreturned.

“Are you staying long?” I asked Lisa as she breezed through the living room, throwing her purse on the coffee table as she went.

“No, I’m just picking up some stuff I left here when I moved,” she said. She stopped when she saw my face. “Why, do you need me to stay?”

“Can you spare an hour?” I asked, rubbing my hand over my eyes. I hadn’t been sleeping very well, and it was starting to catch up with me.

“Sure,” she said, sitting in the chair across from me. “What’s going on? You don’t look quite right.”

“I don’t feel quite right,” I said, taking a sip of the wine I’d brought from the kitchen when I came home.

“He still hasn’t called yet, huh?” she said, her tone sympathetic.

“Not a word since Monday,” I said, sighing heavily. “I know he was going to be filming a lot this week, but would it have killed him to pick up the phone for two minutes?”

“Maybe he was tired,” Lisa suggested, but I could tell from the look on her face that she no more believed it than I did.

“I never thought this would be so hard,” I whispered, feeling a lump forming in my throat.

“Being apart is never easy,” she said, getting up and coming to sit right beside me on the sofa. She put her arm around me and squeezed lightly.

“But it’s never been this difficult before,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t help the little voice in the back of my mind that asks who he’s with, you know? I’ve never had that before.”

“He’d never slept with someone else before,” she pointed out, ever the voice of reason. “That changed things, and you knew it would.”

“I guess,” I admitted, setting my wine glass on the end table beside me. “But I told myself I could forgive him and move past it.”

“You may have forgiven him, honey,” she said, squeezing me again. “But that doesn’t mean you’ll forget. And until you can block the memory from your mind, you’ll always have just that smidgeon of doubt.”

“Four days,” I sighed, leaning my head on her shoulder. “He hasn’t called me in four days. What am I supposed to think about that?”

“I don’t know,” Lisa said, smoothing my hair off of my forehead, much the way my mother used to when I was young. “You could call him.”

“I’ve called him twice today, twice yesterday, and once the day before,” I said, realizing how pathetic that sounded. I was practically begging for him to pay attention to me, something I never thought I’d do to anyone. “How many more of my calls can he ignore?”

“Are you leaving messages?”

“Every single time,” I said as tears began to roll down my cheeks. “I thought I had more self-respect than this, but when it comes to him, I just can’t help it.”

Lisa didn’t say anything for a minute, then she pulled away to look me in the face. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be with him,” she said, her eyes locked on mine.

“What?”

“If that’s how you feel, like you’re disrespecting yourself, then maybe you shouldn’t be with him,” she repeated. “Honey, do you feel you deserve better than this?”

“Well, maybe he’s just really busy,” I said, knowing whatever excuse I made was going to sound hollow. “Or maybe he lost his phone, or he didn’t get my messages.” I paused and shook my head again. “Why is everything so much different now?”

“Because you’re different,” she said softly. “You’ve been hurt pretty badly by this, and now it seems that he’s taking advantage of the fact that you forgave him. He used to call every day, even if it was only for a minute, and he’d go out of his way to be here, to be with you. But since you came out of the hospital and he went back to his movie shoot, it seems like you’re the one making all of the effort. I didn’t want to say anything, but since you brought it up, I really don’t think that’s fair.”

“It’s not like that,” I protested weakly. But I knew everything she’d said was true.

“Four days, Charlie.”

I stood up and began pacing in front of her. “So what do I do about this?” I said, refusing to meet her eyes. I was too ashamed that I’d let myself get in this position, that I’d become the obsessive, weak woman I always swore I’d never be, especially after Ramsey and all the shit I’d put up with from him.

“What do you want to do?” she asked, studying me closely.

“I want to talk to Orlando,” I said honestly, my stomach churning at the thought of what the conversation would be like. I knew it wouldn’t be good.

“And say what?”

“That I don’t trust him.” The words were out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about them. Lisa didn’t look too surprised, though. She just nodded.

“That might be for the best,” she said, grabbing the portable phone off the end table and handing it to me.

“But we just got back together,” I said, looking for any way to avoid doing what I knew had to be done. “This hardly seems fair.”

“To him, or to you?” she asked, standing. “The only thing that’s not fair here is the way he’s been since you got back together with him. I wanted you with him more than anyone, but honey, you’ve been miserable, and I hate seeing it.”

“But I’m miserable without him, too,” I said, switching the phone from one hand to the other over and over again. The knots in my stomach were making me restless.

“Not in the same way,” she said. “Sure, you were upset when you broke up, but at least you had some self-respect, at least you knew you were doing what was best for you. Now, you’re still miserable, and you’re turning into someone you said you’d never be.”

“Am I really that different?” I dared to ask.

“Okay, running to the answering machine as soon as you walk in the door isn’t normal,” she said. “And refusing to go out for drinks with friends because you want to stay at home and wait by the phone isn’t something you used to do, either. And poor Adam, you’ve barely said two words to him in the past few weeks, at least when you’re not performing with him. You’ve never been so focused on Orlando before, and it’s kind of sad to watch you waste away like that.”

I couldn’t find any words for a minute or two. I thought about what she’d said, and asked myself why this time was so different from before. But I knew the answer before I even asked.

“I’m just so afraid that I won’t be enough for him again,” I whispered, so quietly I wasn’t even sure she’d heard me. “I couldn’t be there with him all the time, so he slept with Carrie. Now I just feel like I have to be here when he wants me to be, or else he’ll do it again.” I took a deep breath as the tears came faster. “I don’t want to feel like that, Lisa. I don’t want to have to be so desperate about this.”

“Then fix it,” she said, coming over to hug me. “Don’t let him control your life.”

“In all fairness, it’s not like he’s asking me to be at his beck and call,” I pointed out, wanting to be fair to Orlando. “He’s just busy. It’s my own stupid issues that are causing this.”

“But they’re issues based on his actions,” Lisa said, wiping away my tears. “And as long as you’re with him, this is how it’s going to be. You can either accept that, or you can do something about it. It’s that simple, hon, it really is.”

I knew she was right, and I felt the familiar anger bubble inside me. Why should I have to put my life on hold because he didn’t have the decency to pick up the phone? Why should I worry about who he’s with because he couldn’t keep it in his pants while we were apart? And why the hell should I be the one calling and leaving message after pathetic message? I was better than that, and I refused to be in that position any longer.

“I’m going to call him,” I said, clutching the phone so tightly my hand turned white. “I have to stop this before I make myself sick.”

“Good,” Lisa said, giving me another quick squeeze. “Do you want me to stay?”

“No, I think I’m better handling this on my own,” I said. “But thanks for talking to me. I needed this.”

“Anytime, honey,” she said, grabbing her purse off the coffee table. “I’ll just pick up my last box and be on my way. Call me if you need anything.” She went to her old room, grabbed her box, and left, giving me a small wave before the door closed behind her.

I took a deep breath, looked down at the phone, and dialed Orlando’s number.

“Hello?” Phillip’s voice answered a few seconds later. I should have been relieved to have gotten a real person, and not just the machine, but hearing his voice only made me more anxious.

“Hey, Phillip,” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady. I had to sit on the edge of the sofa to stop my legs from shaking. “Is Orlando around?”

He hesitated. “He’s right here, but I’ll have to see if he has time for a call,” he said. I heard muffled voices as he covered the receiver, then he came back. “He said to give him ten minutes and he’ll ring you back, okay?”

I sighed. I was tempted to tell him not to bother, but the anger that was twisting in my stomach wouldn’t let me. “That’s fine,” I said. “Make sure he does, please. It’s really important that I speak to him tonight.”

“I will, don’t worry.” He hung up.

I sat there for a few minutes, staring at the phone in my hand, willing it to ring. What was I going to say when he actually called? Did I want to open such a can of worms over the phone? Would it be better to wait until I saw him in person? A little voice in the back of my head reminded me that I didn’t know when that would be, so waiting was out of the question. I flopped back against the sofa cushions and closed my eyes.

“He’s not going to change my mind,” I said out loud to my empty apartment. Hearing the words aloud made me feel a little stronger, a little more sure of myself. I got up to refill my wine glass.

Just as I was coming back into the living room, the phone rang. I forced myself not to jump on it right away, as though I’d been waiting for it. I waited for three or four rings, then picked it up.

“Hi,” I said, setting my glass on the coffee table.

“I don’t have long, love,” Orlando said, sounding rushed. “Phillip said it was important. What’s going on?” He sounded more put-out than worried.

“We need to talk,” I said, cringing at how clichéd it sounded.

“Charlie, I really don’t have time right now,” he said. “Can I phone you tomorrow?”

“No, it has to be now,” I said, getting angry again. He was brushing me off again, and I wasn’t going to let him do it.

I could hear his impatient sigh before he said, “I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“Orlando, it’s the middle of the damned night,” I pointed out. “How are you too busy to talk to me?”

“I don’t work set hours,” he said, getting exasperated. I was glad I wasn’t the only one. “I’m still on-set, waiting for another shot to be set up.”

“I’ll make this quick, then,” I said, feeling guilty for bothering him, even though I knew I shouldn’t. “Is there a reason you haven’t bothered to call me this week?” I figured a direct approach was my best bet.

“Bloody hell,” he snapped. “Is that what this is about? Okay, look, if you’re going to lay into me for not calling you back, don’t bother. I’ve worked over fourteen hours today, I’m tired, I spent most of the day in soaking wet clothing, I really can’t do this now. I still have a scene to finish, and having you bitch at me isn’t going to help me do that.”

“It’s always about you, isn’t it?” I said, unable to help myself from yelling at him. “You know what? I don’t give a flying fuck about your movie, or how this is going to affect your precious scene. I need to talk to you, and if you cared about me at all, you’d give that your full attention. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me again, remember? Well what the hell do you think this is doing?”

“I know you’re pissed at me for not calling you, but that was uncalled for,” he said, his voice low and deadly calm. “I’m going to hang up now, before we say anything we’ll regret later. I’ll give you a few days to calm down, and then we’ll talk.” There was a loud click as he hung up on me. My mouth was literally hanging open as I shut the phone off and set it on the coffee table.

I brushed away the tears that welled in my eyes, and stood up. That hadn’t gone at all as planned, and now I had a few more days to worry about what he was doing. I didn’t know what else to do, so I went into my bedroom, picked up the phone again, and dialed his number.

When the machine picked up, like I knew it would, I took a deep breath, wanting to make sure I said everything I wanted to say.

“Orlando, it’s me,” I started, twisting the fingers of my free hand in my quilt. “I know we’re not getting along right now, and you think I need some time to cool off, but the truth is, what I really need is a boyfriend I can count on. You promised things would be better, and I believed you, but now everything’s turned to shit, and I’m constantly wondering if you’re with someone else. I can’t do that, I deserve better. Since you wouldn’t let me say this on the phone, I have to leave it on your machine and hope that it’s you who gets it and not Phillip or someone else. Either way, it has to stop, and I’m putting an end to it now. You can call me if you want to, but I’m not waiting by the phone anymore, and you’re not going to change my mind. If you don’t respect me enough to consider my feelings, then I’ll find someone who will. The truth is, I don’t trust you anymore, and I probably never will.” I paused and took another deep breath. “So thanks for the memories, and I’ll see you around.”

I disconnected the phone, and collapsed back against my pillows, tears streaming down my face. I’d said what I needed to say, and though I felt better to have gotten it out, the idea of what I’d just done still hurt. I turned off my light and got under the covers, still fully dressed, and laid there, kidding myself that I was trying to sleep. Finally, somewhere around dawn, I drifted off into a restless, dreamless sleep.