Home

I went home later that day to shower and get ready to go to work. I felt light and free, and there was a spring in my step as I walked up the back stairs to my apartment. I couldn’t keep the grin from my face as I unlocked the door and went inside.

“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to make an appearance,” Lisa teased as I threw my purse and keys on the coffee table. “Do I dare ask where you were all night?” The dirty grin on her face said she knew exactly where I’d been and what I’d been doing.

“Why ask when you already know?” I asked, shrugging as I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water.

“So what does this mean?” she said, following me.

“It means I’m still thinking about things,” I said, leaning on the counter. “But it felt so good to be with him last night.” My smile only got bigger, and it started to hurt my face. I took a sip of my water to hide the blush that was spreading across my cheeks.

“It’s good to see you smile like that,” Lisa said, patting my arm gently. “We’ve been really worried we would never see that smile again.”

“So was I,” I admitted, sitting at the kitchen table. I began to trace patterns in the table cloth with my fingers. “I just never expected him to hurt me like that, you know? I mean, he’s always been so respectful, so caring toward me. Well, toward all women, really.”

“Do you think he’ll do it again?”

I looked up from the table cloth. “I really don’t think he will,” I said honestly. “But even knowing that, it’s still hard to just jump back in, you know? He said he’d give me time, and I think that’s all it’s going to take to get back to where we were.”

“I’m glad,” she said, smiling at me. “Now I have some news that I wanted to tell you last night, but couldn’t because you didn’t come home.”

“News?”

“Jeremy asked me to marry him last night,” she said, thrusting her left hand at me. A beautiful three-stone, princess cut diamond ring set in yellow gold shone brightly on her hand. There had to be at least two carats worth of diamonds in it. It was breathtaking.

“Oh my God,” I squealed, reaching over to hug her. “Congratulations!”

“I know it’s only been six months,” she said, beaming down at her ring. “But when it’s right, it’s right. We’re going to wait awhile to have the wedding, until I’m done Wicked and actually have time to plan it properly.” Lisa had signed a one-year contract when I’d signed my six-month contract, so she would be with the show until the following June.

“I’m beginning to think that it doesn’t matter how long you’re with a person,” I said softly, staring down at my own ring that Orlando had given me. I hadn’t been able to take it off. “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

“I never thought I’d find someone who loves me as much as Jeremy does,” Lisa gushed, her eyes still on the rocks on her finger. “Hell, I never thought I’d get married.” She laughed. “It just goes to show how much true love can change a person.” She sobered for a few seconds. “Charlie, I’m moving out of the apartment,” she said softly.

“I figured you would be,” I said, toying with my water glass. “When?”

“Two weeks,” she answered. “I just don’t want to wait any longer.”

“I understand,” I said. “I’m sure Nick will find someone else to move in here. There are always company members looking for housing.”

“You’re only here another few months,” she pointed out. “He might not move anyone else in until you’re gone.”

“Who knows?” I shrugged. “It’s Nick. Lord only knows what he’ll come up with.” We chuckled. “I’m going to miss having you on the other side of the apartment, though.”

“I’ll stay over from time to time,” she said, putting her arm around me. She suddenly seemed so much older than normal, like she was finally embracing her true age and not trying to be a teenager anymore. It made me sad to think that our fun was ending, but I was happy for her.

“Okay, I should go shower before I start crying,” I said, getting up. I hugged her again. “We have a show to do, and if I start bawling like an idiot, I won’t be able to sing properly.” I laughed and went to have my shower.

After the show that night, Nick caught up with me as I came out of the change room. I went to my dressing table to pull my wet hair out of my face, and he sat down beside me.

“I’m guessing you’ve heard Lisa’s news,” he said, a small grin on his face. I nodded. “We need to talk about what’s going to happen with the extra room in your apartment, Charlotte.”

“Is there someone in the company who needs a place to stay?” I asked, my stomach doing a mild flip-flop at the idea of a new roommate. I’d been lucky with Lisa, but I didn’t know if my luck would hold out.

“Not at the moment,” Nick said. “I think we’re going to leave it empty for the time being. When the contracts come up for renewal again in January, we’ll make some decisions.”

“That’s fair,” I agreed, grabbing a comb off my dressing table. I started to pull my hair back into a ponytail. “Was there something else you needed?”

He cleared his throat and shifted uneasily. “I just wanted to tell you, uh, congratulations on the show tonight,” he said, but he wouldn’t look at me.

“What?” His words seemed odd to me, considering I performed the same show every night, and it didn’t really change. “What’s that supposed to mean, Nick?”

“You just seemed to be back on your game tonight,” he said quickly, shrugging.

“Did you think I was off my game?”

“You haven’t been quite yourself lately,” he said softly. “Since, well, since everything happened with your dad and Orlando.”

“Are you telling me my performances were bad?” I asked, my stomach doing more flip-flops.

“Not bad, exactly,” he said, still avoiding my eyes. “Just, sort of, well, empty, I guess.”

“Okay, stop beating around the bush,” I said, getting angry. “If there was something wrong with the way I was doing my job, you need to tell me.”

“You just seemed to want to be anywhere but on the stage,” he said. “Sure, you hit the notes and said the words, but you really weren’t there. It was like something was missing, like you weren’t really there.”

“Why am I just hearing about this now?” I said, slamming my comb down on the dressing table. The noise startled him and he finally looked at me. “Nick, it’s been two months since my dad died. You could have said something earlier.” I suddenly felt like I’d been slapped, like he’d told me I wasn’t good enough to do my job properly.

“You’ve had a lot on your plate,” he said. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I was just hoping your spark would come back, and it did. There’s no longer a problem.”

“So because I’ve had some personal issues, you thought it was okay to not tell me my work was being affected?” I almost yelled. “Those people pay damned good money to see me every night, and you’re telling me I gave them empty performances? How do you think that makes me feel? You should have been honest with me, because then I could have fixed the problem.”

“How?” he snapped, jumping up from the chair. Nick was very rarely angry, but when he was, it was a scary thing. “How would you have fixed it, Charlotte? You didn’t care about the audiences, or your fellow company members. All you cared about was your own shit, and even if I had said something to you, I doubt it would have penetrated the fog you’ve been in since you got back from your dad’s funeral. You’re lucky I didn’t fire your ass for giving so many sub-standard shows. But I wanted to cut you a break, and now you’re freaking out on me because you couldn’t do your damned job.”

Tears sprang to my eyes. He was yelling now, and I felt myself shrink away from him with every nasty word. I hadn’t realized my job was in jeopardy. He was right, I had been in a fog, but if I’d known I wasn’t performing the way I should have been, I would have done something about it. I was a professional, after all. But finding out about the problem two months after the fact hardly helped the situation.

“So what now?” I said, fighting to keep the tears in check. They fell far too easily lately, and I hated them. “Are you going to fire me?”

He sighed and the anger was gone as quickly as it had come. He stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug. “No, I’m not going to fire you,” he said when he let me go. “I’m just glad that tonight’s performance was back to normal. They didn’t give you a Tony for being mediocre, Charlotte, and up until tonight, that’s what you’ve been. I don’t know what’s changed, but it had better not change back. Our investors were getting concerned, but after tonight, I’m sure they’ll get over it.”

“Nick, just tell me next time there’s a problem, okay?” I said, finishing my ponytail. “I can’t fix it if I don’t know about it.”

“I just didn’t want to upset you more,” he said, studying me. “You’re so easy to set off, I figured it would only make things worse. I wanted to see if you could snap yourself out of it before I upset you more.”

“I appreciate it,” I said, grabbing my purse off the dressing table. “But I’m not made of glass, I won’t break.”

I said good-bye to Nick and hurried from the theatre. I got in the car that was waiting for me, and told the driver to go to Orlando’s hotel. I didn’t want to go home, I just wanted to see him. He’d be leaving the next day to go back to shooting his movie, so I wanted to spend the time I had with him.

I hurried through the hotel lobby toward the elevators. I pulled my compact mirror out of my purse when the doors had closed, and quickly put on some make-up. I don’t know why I felt the need to get dolled up, but I did. I became more anxious with every floor that passed, and by the time the elevator opened onto Orlando’s floor, I was practically bouncing with excitement.

I walked down the hall and knocked on his door. There was noise coming from inside, music and voices. I double-checked the room number on the door to make sure I’d gotten the right one, which I had, and waited for him to answer.

Elijah opened the door a few seconds later. “Charlie!” he cried, and scooped me up into a hug. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see Orlando,” I said, looking past him. The sitting room held about fifteen people, all with drinks in their hands. The music that blared from the stereo in the corner of the room was rocky sounding, but I couldn’t identify the artist.

“Hang on, I’ll get him,” Elijah said, and closed the door again, leaving me in the hallway. I stood there in shock. I couldn’t believe he’d just shut the door in my face, rather than inviting me in. Obviously Orlando didn’t want me to know he was having a party, or I’d have been asked inside. I quickly turned on my heel and headed back to the elevator.

“Charlie!” I heard Orlando call my name just as the elevator door opened. I turned to see him jogging down the hall toward me. “Where are you going, love?”

“Home,” I said, somewhat coldly. “You were busy, I didn’t want to bother you.” I didn’t mention that Elijah had closed the door in my face. I figured I didn’t need to.

“Why don’t you come in for a bit?” he suggested, taking my hand. “We’ve just got a few friends over for drinks.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” I said, removing my hand from his. “And I’m not really dressed for a party.” I gestured to my ratty old sweatpants and my college sweatshirt. “Have a safe flight tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later.” I stepped into the waiting elevator.

Orlando followed me. “What’s wrong, love?” he asked, holding the elevator door so it wouldn’t close.

“Why did Elijah close the door in my face?” I couldn’t help it, I had to ask.

He sighed. “I was in the bedroom with a friend, just talking,” he said. “I guess he thought you’d get the wrong idea.”
“It’s none of my business, remember?” I said coldly. “Though I’m assuming this friend was female.”

He nodded. “She is, yes. It’s Caitlynne, from last night.”

“So rather than let me find you alone in your bedroom with another woman, he thought it was better to close the door on me?” I said, folding my arms over my chest. “That just makes you look guilty, Orlando.”

“The only thing I’m guilty of is having an idiot for a friend,” he said, suddenly looking very tired. “He thought he was helping.”

“Yeah, well, he didn’t,” I said. I knew I shouldn’t be upset, but the truth was, I just didn’t trust him. “Why couldn’t you talk to Caitlynne in the sitting room, with everyone else, Orlando? Why did you have to take her into your room in the first place?”

He tensed. “Is this what I can expect from now on?”

“What?”

“This distrust,” he said, taking my arm and leading me out of the elevator. “You’re not even giving me the benefit of the doubt that I might actually be telling you the truth.”

“Do you blame me?” I said, pulling my arm away from him.

“You can’t hold one mistake against me forever, Charlie,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “It hurts that you can’t get past this.”

“It hurts me that there was even a ‘this’ to get past,” I shot back, feeling the all-too-familiar lump form in my throat. I swallowed hard several times. “Look, I’m going home. You go back to Caitlynne and your party.”

“Of course you’re running away,” he said, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. “Why would I expect any different?”

“Excuse me?” I snapped, narrowing my eyes at him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that any time things get a little tough, you run away,” he said, getting angry himself. “You always tell me to give you ‘time,’ to let you work shit out on your own, but in reality all you’re doing is running from the problem. It’s easier for you to walk away and be pissed off by yourself than it is for us to actually deal with something, for you to deal with me.”

I stared at him, my fingers itching to slap him. I restrained myself, though, and forced my hands to stay at my sides, though I couldn’t stop my fingers from curling into fists.

“What do you expect me to say to that?” I hissed, squeezing my fists so tightly that my nails were digging into my palms.

“You know what? I really don’t care anymore,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t apologize anymore, I can’t tell you I love you anymore than I already have. You’re obviously not going to trust me again, you’re just going to keep stringing me along until you figure out what you want. I can’t do that, Charlie. I can’t keep going like that. It’s not fair to me.”

“Then I guess you just made my decision for me, didn’t you?” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “You fucked up, and yet somehow you’ve managed to make me feel like shit for wanting some time to get over it. Don’t talk to me about fair.” To my surprise, this time there were no tears, just anger, pure, unadulterated rage, bubbling and simmering inside of me. “I’m done with this, Orlando. I’m sick and fucking tired of you and your shit. Go, fuck half of Hollywood, I don’t care anymore.” I pulled my ring off my finger and put it in his hand. “Take that and shove it up your ass for all I care.” I turned and ran to the stairwell at the end of the hall, not wanting to wait for the elevator again, and left him standing in the hallway, staring after me.

Lisa wasn’t home when I got there, and I was glad. I was pissed off beyond my own belief, and I knew if she’d been there I would have taken it out on her. Instead, I went into my room and started beating on my bed, my pillows, my dresser, my walls, anything I could reach. I grabbed a picture of Orlando and me from my nightstand, the only one I still had that I hadn’t put away in a box under my bed, and threw it through my floor-length mirror. I screamed, I yelled, I cried, I broke things, I ripped my quilt, I took out my rage on my room, and when I had no energy left, I threw myself on the floor and let the gut-wrenching sobs wrack my body so completely I made myself sick. Thank God there was a garbage can within reach, or I would have made a huge mess on the carpet.

When I had nothing left to vomit, I just laid there, wishing I could just stop breathing, that the pain could just be gone forever. Every muscle in my body ached and burned, and I felt like my heart was physically breaking inside my chest. Eventually I couldn’t cry anymore, and blessed darkness took over.