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“You finally got a studio to distribute it?” I said, happy for him. He’d made the movie a few years before, but because it was a low-budget independent film, there’d been trouble getting a studio to put it out. My guess was that whoever was distributing it now wanted to capitalize on Orlando and the fact that Dead Man’s Chest had grossed over a billion dollars worldwide over the past couple of months. Whatever the reason, I was glad to see something that meant so much to him finally see the light of day.

“It’s a limited release,” he explained. “But we’re getting a wide DVD release around Christmas, which is more than we thought we’d get when we made the movie.”

“I’m happy for you, Orlando,” I said, giving him the first genuine smile I’d given him in months.

“Will you go see it?” he dared to ask. “I know you didn’t see the second Pirates movie, and I understand if you don’t want to see this one.”

I sobered. “I can’t make any promises,” I said slowly.

He nodded. “I understand,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. Caitlynne said you might not want to see it.”

“Caitlynne?” I asked, my stomach clenching unpleasantly.

“The woman I was with tonight,” he explained. “She’s an old friend I went to Guildhall with, and she lives here now. I haven’t seen her in years.” He paused. “Since her baby was born a few months ago, she hasn’t had much time for a social life.”

“Well, most women in this world would make time for you,” I said, then froze when I realized I’d said the words out loud.

He chuckled. “Her husband wasn’t too impressed that she was having dinner with me, but he had to work, so he couldn’t join us.”

The relief that flooded through me at the mention of the fact that the woman was married surprised me. I looked down at my cup to avoid him being able to read my expression.

“Charlie, we can’t keep going like this,” Orlando said out of nowhere. The mood at the table changed, and became all-too-serious all of a sudden.

I dragged my eyes up to meet his. “I know,” I whispered.

“Are you ready to forgive me yet?”

I stared at him as I processed what he’d asked. “I’ve already forgiven you, Orlando,” I said after a few seconds. “But the problem is, I can’t forget.”

“So where does that leave us?” He reached out and lightly brushed his fingers over the back of my hand, sending chills racing up my arm. “I don’t want to be without you.”

“I’m still trying to get beyond the idea of you with her,” I said, keeping my voice low. We were the only ones in the coffee shop, but there was still staff behind the counter, and I didn’t want our private conversation to end up on some celebrity blogger’s website the next day.

“What do you mean?”

“The mind is a horrible thing, I’m afraid,” I said, twisting my tea cup in my hands. “When I think about it, and trust me, I do that more than I’d care to, all I can see is your body with hers, your hands on her, your lips on her. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I’m scared that if I’m with you, that’s all I’m going to think about.”

“What can I do to change that?” he asked, entwining his fingers with mine.

“There isn’t anything you can do,” I said, shaking my head slightly. “I’m just going to have to deal with that on my own, and until I can, there’s no point in pursuing a relationship with you.”

“Please don’t tell me we’re done for good, Charlie,” he almost pleaded. He sounded to sad, so distraught, I brought his hand to my mouth and kissed his fingers.

“I don’t want this to be it, either,” I admitted, rubbing his fingers against my cheek. His skin felt so warm against my face, so smooth, I allowed him to turn his hand and cup my cheek, his thumb working in gentle circles. “The truth is, I still love you, and I still want you, but I don’t want to open myself up to being hurt again.”

“Sleeping with Carrie was the worst thing I’ve ever done,” he said, leaning forward and catching my eyes with his. “I’ve told you that a million times. I would never be so stupid as to do it again. You’re the only one I want to be with, Charlie, you’re the only one I’m in love with.”

“I want to believe you,” I whispered, turning my face into his palm and kissing it lightly. “But I don’t know if I can.”

“Give me a chance to prove it to you,” he said eagerly. He got up and came around the table to squat down beside me. He took both of my hands in his and looked up at me, his eyes shining a bit with tears. “Let me show you that you’re the only one.”

At his words fire leapt through every part of my body. I needed his hands on my skin, his lips on mine, his body pressed against me. Right then I didn’t care if I could trust him or not, I just needed him to make love to me the way he used to, to let me pretend things were back to normal. Part of me screamed that it was a horrible idea, that I was only opening myself up to get hurt again, that sex isn’t love, but I ignored it. The way he was looking at me, the way his hands felt on mine, was enough for me.

“Where are you staying?” I asked, my voice hoarse with need.

“Not too far from here,” he said, confused. Then his eyes darkened. “Charlie, do you want to come back to the hotel with me?” he whispered.

I nodded. “Yes,” I said, pulling him to his feet as I stood as well. “I need to be with you tonight, Orlando. Take me home with you.”

Without a word we sped through the coffee shop to the car waiting out front. My heart was racing as we rode to his hotel, his hand never letting go of mine. I didn’t dare kiss him or get any closer to him, or we wouldn’t make it to the hotel. The car seemed to be crawling along, but in reality the drive only took a few minutes.

We jumped out of the car and forced ourselves to walk slowly through the hotel lobby. I was grateful it was such an upscale place, because we were guaranteed discretion. The elevator ride was long and painful, and by the time we reached Orlando’s suite, I couldn’t wait anymore.

I shoved the door closed behind us and locked it, pushing his suit jacket off his shoulders and letting it drop to the floor. I ripped open his shirt, popping the buttons, and discarded it as well. He had yet to kiss me or to really touch me, but I was already out of my mind with need. I ran my hands over his chest and stomach, sighing audibly at how amazing he felt.

“Charlie, what is this?” he gasped as I reached inside his pants. Within seconds, they too were on the floor. We hadn’t even gotten into the bedroom yet.

He pushed his sweater up my body and over my head, taking my t-shirt with it, and lightly caressed my stomach and back. I reached up and dislodged his ponytail, causing his hair to fall wildly around his face. I grabbed the back of his head and brought him down to me so I could kiss him finally.

As soon as our mouths met, it was like an explosion of passion ripped through me. I accepted his tongue into my mouth and his hands on the intimate parts of my body as he took control and backed me into the bedroom. He pushed me down on the bed and came down on top of me, pressing his weight into me, wrapping his arms around me, and I reveled in the feel of his naked skin on mine.

The first time he made love to me was fast and passionate, and everything I wanted, but the second time was slow and tender, and I found myself crying in his arms when it was over.

“Shhh,” he soothed, smoothing my hair off my sweaty forehead. He pulled me tighter against him and kissed the back of my neck. “Why are you crying, love?”

I sniffled and snuggled deeper into him, loving how he felt curled around my back. The ache that was spreading through the rest of me was becoming harder to ignore, though.

“We shouldn’t have done this,” I said, pulling the blankets up over us. I couldn’t make myself leave his arms just yet.

“Yes, Charlie, we should have,” he said, running his fingertips up and down my arm. Goosebumps rose on my flesh and shivers spread through me. “You have no idea how good it feels to have you back in my arms for good.”

“That’s what you’re not understanding,” I said softly. I rolled to face him and put some space between us. “We’re not back together. Orlando, that was sex, not a reconciliation.”

He stared at me for a moment, a hurt expression on his face. Then he sat up.

“I think you’d better leave, then,” he said, swinging his long legs over the side of the bed, keeping his back to me. “Just go, Charlie.”

I sat up slowly, pulling the sheet with me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I gathered my clothes. I hurried into the other room to get the rest of them. When I picked up his sweater, I stopped, and went back into the bedroom.

“I thought you were leaving,” he said coldly from the bed. He hadn’t moved.

“I figured you’d want this,” I said, tossing the sweater on the bed.

He turned slightly to see what it was, and shook his head. “I’ll never wear it now,” he said, his voice hoarse. He was fighting off emotion, and losing. I went around the bed and kneeled in front of him.

“Orlando, look at me,” I said when he looked away. I reached up and cupped his face in my hands. “I’m sorry you thought this was more than it was,” I said as the first tear slid down my cheek. “I needed you tonight, yes, but I never once said I was ready for us to be together again.”

“See, that’s where I was confused,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He jerked away from my hands as though they burned. “I thought that I was more than a fuck buddy.” He stood up and pushed me away.

“You’re angry,” I said, rising as well. I didn’t move any closer to him as he pulled on a pair of sweat pants.

“Do you blame me?” he snapped, wheeling around on me. “We just had the best sex we’ve ever had, and I finally felt happy for the first time in months, and now you’re telling me that you were using me to get off? That’s bullshit, Charlie, and you know it.”

I took a deep breath, trying to control my racing mind. I knew it wasn’t the best idea for us to do what we did, but I couldn’t help it.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I whispered, my body starting to tremble at the open disgust I saw on his face. I felt ashamed for leading him on like that, and I felt my face heat up.

“You had to have known what I’d think about this,” he said, his tone softening slightly.

I nodded. “In the back of my mind, I guess I did,” I admitted. “But when we were in that coffee shop, all I could think about was getting you somewhere that I could just rip your clothes off. It’s been so hard not having you with me, I just needed that release.”

“But you don’t want to be with me,” he said, crossing his arms over his bare chest. He shook his head. “This is unbelievable. I feel like we’re breaking up all over again, and we didn’t even get through the night.” He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed again. “Charlie, why can’t we just forget all this crap? Why do you have to keep punishing me?” He paused for a second, then turned to face me. “Wait, is that what this was? Are you getting back at me for sleeping with Carrie?”

His question startled me. I’d never once looked at it that way. I had no desire to punish him for what he’d done, I just couldn’t trust him yet. I sat beside him, tucking my knee under me so I was facing his side.

“Orlando, that was never what this was about,” I said, reaching up and turning his head so he was looking at me. I looked directly into his eyes. “Never,” I repeated. “I don’t want to punish you, don’t you understand that? I’m not staying away from you because I want to make you pay for what happened. I just can’t let myself get close again, because I don’t trust that I won’t be hurt. This is about me, and the issues I need to get through, not about punishing you.”

“That’s what it feels like,” he whispered, his hand covering mine on his cheek.

“It was never my intention,” I said. I pulled my hand away and stood up. “I should go.”

“Can you at least stay the night?” he asked, getting up and taking me in his arms. “I don’t want to let you go yet.”

“We’ve already made one mistake tonight,” I said against his shoulder. “If I stay, we’ll just be going through this again in the morning. It’s not a good idea.”

“Charlie, please don’t leave,” he whispered, sinking his hands into my hair and bringing my face up to his. He kissed me softly, lovingly, and it was all I could do to stay on my feet. I wrapped my arms around his neck and fitted my body to his. I knew I should break it off, that I should get out of there as soon as possible, but his lips felt too good on mine, he tasted too sweet. “Stay,” he whispered against my mouth, his hands moving down to my back so he could hold me tighter against him.

“If I stay, it doesn’t mean we’re back together,” I whispered as he moved away to kiss my neck. My head was screaming at me that I was an idiot for even considering staying the night.

“Uh-huh,” he breathed, nipping my collarbone. He began to work my t-shirt up over my body.

I pulled him to the floor, took his weight on top of me as he slid my jeans down my legs again. I decided I could always deal with the hurt and the confusion tomorrow. For tonight, all I wanted to deal with was Orlando.

When I awoke the following morning, I felt so content that I didn’t ever want to get out of bed. Orlando was snoring softly next to me, with his arms around me, and a small smile on his face. He seemed so peaceful, so angelic, I hated to wake him. I shifted slightly, laid my head on his shoulder, and stared out the window for a little while, until I couldn’t lay there anymore and had to get up.

As soon as I sat up, Orlando’s arms tightened around me. “Don’t go,” he whispered groggily.

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I assured him as I stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

I went into the adjoining bathroom and closed the door. The site of myself in the mirror made me smile. My hair was wild around my face, my make-up was smudged, and I was wrapped in a sheet, but I look more satisfied than I’d felt in a long time. I quickly washed my face to get the make-up off, did what I could with my hair to get it back into a half-way decent ponytail, used a little of the mouthwash that was sitting on the sink, and went back into the bedroom.

“You’ve never looked more beautiful,” Orlando murmured from the bed, watching me as I climbed back under the covers beside him. He gave me such a loving smile, it made me ache inside.

“I think that goes both ways,” I said, leaning over to kiss him lightly.

“Don’t leave,” he said, suddenly serious.

“I have to at some point,” I said, stroking my fingers over his chest. “I warned you last night.”

“I know,” he sighed, his arm slipping over my waist and around my back so he could hold me closer. “But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

I looked into his eyes as his fingers danced over the skin of my back. I knew deep down that he’d never cheat on me again, that he wouldn’t hurt me like that, that he hadn’t meant to in the first place, but I couldn’t make myself admit that I wanted to be with him. Even though it had been a couple of months, the pain was still too fresh. It was the same thing that had been going through my head for weeks now.

“Okay, look,” I said, sitting up and looking down at him. “Maybe there’s a compromise somewhere in this mess.”

“Please don’t say we can be friends,” he groaned, pulling the pillow down over his face. I shoved it away.

“That’s not what I was going to say,” I said, shaking my head.

He propped himself up on his elbows. “All right, I’m listening,” he said.

“What if we start dating again,” I started slowly, turning over each word in my mind before I said it, just to make sure I said everything properly. “But what if we weren’t exclusive?”

“You mean seeing other people?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “That way, if something happens like what happened with Carrie, it won’t hurt as much, because we’re allowed to do stuff like that.”

“That’s a horrible idea,” he said, sitting up. “It’s like giving us permission to cheat.”

“No, it’s making it so that if we find ourselves in a situation like you had at the premiere, it’s not going to jeopardize what we have,” I said, though my brilliant idea suddenly didn’t sound so brilliant.

“That’s the part you’re not understanding,” he said, taking my hands in his. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, Charlie. What happened with Carrie was a one-off, and I don’t ever want to do it again.”

“But what if you do?” I said, feeling a lump forming in my throat. “If you’ve done it once, you’ll do it again, right? If I forgive you this time, you’ll think I’ll forgive you all the time. I can’t deal with that.”

“You wouldn’t have to, love,” he said, pulling me into his lap and rocking me back and forth. He kissed the top of my head. “Darling, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I love you and I’ll never, ever hurt you like that again. Please, love, trust me.”

I wanted to, more than anything, I realized as I sat wrapped in his arms. But the nagging voice in my head just wouldn’t be quiet.

“I’ll think about it,” I said finally. “I have to decide if I want to fully trust you again, and until I do, we have to leave things as they are.”

I felt him sigh beneath me. “I guess that’s better than nothing,” he said, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “At least you’re not saying no yet.”

I turned in his arms, and leaned back so I could look into his eyes. “I’m not saying no,” I said firmly. “I just need more time.”

He kissed me, a long, slow kiss. “Time,” he repeated, his eyes burning into mine. “I can do that.”

I hugged him tightly to me as relief flooded through me. Hope burned inside me that maybe we could actually be together again. As he started to make love to me for the millionth time in 24 hours, I felt like I was finally able to give myself to him again, body and soul, and get lost in the wonderful feelings he was sure to bring. There was finally a bright spot on the horizon, and I clung to it just as much as I clung to him.