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I tossed and turned most of the night, much to Lisa’s dismay. I couldn’t get comfortable, and any time I did, my mind wouldn’t shut down long enough for me to sleep. When the first bit of daylight peaked through the bedroom curtains, I thought enough was enough and got up. Lisa stayed snoring in the bed, drooling on her pillow.

Just as I was padding into the kitchen to make some coffee, my cell phone rang. I glanced at the clock on the microwave, and saw that it was barely five o’clock.

“Orlando, do you know what time it is?” I said, yawning into the phone. I tucked it under my chin and proceeded to make the coffee. “What are you even doing awake?”

“I just got done with some industry party,” he said, sounding sleepy. “I wanted to see how you were before I went to bed.”

“How do you expect me to be?” I said, pouring water into the coffee pot. “Yesterday was my dad’s funeral, Orlando. I’m not exactly doing cartwheels on the front lawn, now am I?” I took a deep breath to avoid snapping on him. I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him again.

“By the sounds of things, you didn’t sleep too well,” he said softly, sympathy in his voice. “Did Lisa keep you up all night?”

“No, I sat with Adam by the fire,” I said absently, then realizing how it would sound to him.

“You what?”

“That didn’t come out right,” I said, getting a coffee cup from the cupboard. “I lit a fire in Dad’s study, Adam came in and sat in the chair behind me. He listened to me ramble for awhile, then he went to bed.”

“I should have been there.” For the first time in days, he sounded like he meant it.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I agreed. “You should have. But you weren’t, and he was, and it doesn’t really matter now. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t you think we should, though?”

“Why?” I said, sitting at the kitchen table while my coffee brewed. “So I can get angry at you again?”

“That’s why we need to talk, love,” he said. “I don’t want you to be angry at me over something I can’t control.”

“That’s where we see things differently,” I said, rubbing my hand over my eyes. I was too tired to deal with this, but he wasn’t giving me any other choice. “You know if our positions were reversed, I would have no problem being there for you. And my job is live every night, with a different crowd paying good money to see me. That wouldn’t matter at all if you needed me, Orlando. But you, no, that’s not the case. You’re promoting a movie with the rest of the cast, and you can’t get away from your sporadic commitments to be here even for a few hours during the funeral? Hell, you’re not even the star of the movie, Johnny is. I can’t help but think you’re just on some ego trip, one that your bitch assistant is feeding, by the way, and you don’t want it to end. Here you wouldn’t be the center of attention. Here you’d just be my boyfriend while I dealt with my family and friends, and you can’t handle it.” Tears had begun to slip down my face and I was having trouble controlling my breathing.

“You don’t meant that,” Orlando said softly. He was hurt, I could hear it in his voice, but I hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true. “There’s no need to be cruel, Charlie.”

“I’m not,” I said firmly, my stomach knotting and twisting inside me. “I’m pointing out something I should have seen a long time ago. That’s why you don’t reprimand Carrie for not giving you my messages. That’s why you didn’t call me for two fucking days after Dad died. That’s why you won’t reschedule an appearance or two to be here with me. It all makes perfect sense. By doing any of the above, you’re relinquishing the attention you crave so much, and that’s not something you’re willing to do, not for me, not for anyone.”

“I can’t believe you think so little of me, Charlie,” he said sadly. “If this is how you feel about someone you love, I’d hate to know your opinions of your enemies. Look, be angry at me all you want if it helps you get passed the fact that you’re being selfish, but don’t say things you’ll regret. I’m a nice guy, but even I have my limits.”

“Are you threatening me?” I sat perfectly still, disbelief making the words come out very slowly.

“Like I said, I have my limits,” he said again. “I can’t be painted as the bad guy here because I won’t give up my life for yours. I’ve done it many times in the past, but this time I just can’t, and I won’t feel guilty for it. You made it through the funeral without me, you’re doing just fine with your friends and family, you’ll survive another day or two until I can get the time off to come and see you.”

“By that time everything will be said and done,” I said, switching the phone to my other ear. The aroma of the coffee, combined with what a jerk Orlando was being, had made me wide awake, and I no longer felt tired.

“Then we can take a break, right?” he said, as though his arriving late were a good thing. “We can take care of the last minute stuff, and nothing will be rushed.”

“You’re missing the point,” I said, fighting the urge to hurl my coffee cup at the wall. It was my dad’s favourite. “I needed you the day he died, Orlando. I needed you to hold me during the funeral, to be there for me to lean on. I needed to cry in your arms at the cemetery, instead of Adam’s. I needed you by the fire last night, not him. But you weren’t there for any of it. I lost the one person I depend on most in this world, and when I turned to you to help me through it, you weren’t there!” I was almost screaming now, but it felt good to get it out, to let him know he’d screwed up and hurt me because of it. “It’s nice to know I’m a priority in your life, Orlando. If I can’t depend on you for something this important, what else are you going to let me down over?”

“That’s really not fair,” he said, getting angry himself. “I took time away from my movie shoot to be at your premiere, I went to the Tony’s with you, I put up with all your intimacy issues after Sean’s attack. Now, because work gets in my way once, you’re saying I’m not dependable? You are the most selfish bitch I’ve ever met, Charlie! If I’m so unreliable, let’s see how you get along without me, shall we? I’ll do my movie promotions, you deal with your stuff, and we’ll just go our separate ways. How does that sound?” He was panting for breath by the time he’d finished speaking, and I was holding the phone from my ear because he was yelling.

“Fine,” I spat. “Fuck you, Orlando. I’m done with this shit.” I snapped my phone closed and threw it on the table.

“Problems?” Adam’s voice broke through my thoughts.

I turned to him and tried to smile. “I think Orlando and I just broke up,” I said bitterly. “No big deal.” I let loose a jagged sigh and slammed my hands through my hair. “Could my week suck any more?”

“What happened?” he asked, sitting beside me.

“I’m not really sure,” I said slowly. “I think we each decided the other was selfish, and that we should go our separate ways. Although, that seems kind of wrong to me.”

“He said you’re being selfish?”

I nodded. “He said I’m pissed off because he’s not giving up his life for mine,” I said, toying with my phone. I couldn’t look Adam in the face. “But I just can’t get my head around how he couldn’t be here for me, you know? He knows damn well that if something happened to one of his parents, I’d be there in a heart beat, regardless of what else was going on in my life.”

“That’s the way it should be,” Adam said, taking my hand gently. He gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“I thought so, too,” I said, shrugging. “But I guess once Hollywood gets a hold of someone, that person’s priorities and morals change. I just never thought Orlando would act that way. He’s always been so sweet and so considerate.”

“What’s changed?”

“My guess is that this behemoth of a movie he’s promoting is making him self-important,” I said, unable to keep the quiver from my voice as I fought back tears. “The hype surrounding it is phenomenal, so of course he’s getting lots of attention because of it. I hate the idea that it’s going to his head, but that seems to be what’s happened.”

“Maybe there’s pressure on him from the studio and the higher-ups,” Adam suggested, somewhat tentatively. “If they’re leaning on him to do this whirl-wind promo tour, then maybe it really isn’t his fault that he can’t be here.”

“Are you defending him?” I said, shocked.

“I’m just saying there may be more to this that he’s not willing to burden you with right now,” Adam said, getting up from the table. He poured us both coffee, and brought it to the table. “Would it make you feel better to know that the studio threatened legal action or something if he didn’t make his scheduled appearances?”

“Can that actually happen?” It hadn’t even occurred to me.

“With a studio like Disney, I’m sure it can,” he said, adding sugar to his coffee. “If he’s contractually obligated to make those appearances, nothing short of a medical emergency or a death in his immediate family would allow him to get away. I can’t say for sure, though, because I don’t know the details of his contract.”

I didn’t say anything for a long time, because I knew if I spoke, I’d cry and admit that I’d been a complete jerk. I’d been so caught up in my own world that I hadn’t thought there might be more to Orlando’s refusal to come than his ego. My cheeks burned with shame, and I focused my eyes on the table.

“What are you thinking, Charlie?” Adam whispered after a few minutes had passed. He was sipping his coffee quietly beside me, not pressing me to talk when he knew I wasn’t ready.

“That I’ve really made a mess of things,” I said, shaking my head slowly. “And now he’ll never talk to me again.”

“You weren’t being completely selfish, honey,” Adam said, tipping my chin up with his finger so I was looking him in the eye. “Your dad died, of course you’re upset. And when you don’t know the inner workings of someone else’s job, of course you don’t understand. He should have told you about his contract, if that’s the reason he’s not coming. And since he didn’t, you didn’t have any reason to think other than what you did.”

“I just wanted him here,” I said, unable to stop the tears that were falling down my cheeks now. “And now I really want my dad.” The sobs started to come faster as it hit me all over again that my dad wouldn’t be there to hold me, and now Orlando wanted out of my life. I felt so alone, so abandoned, and it made me ache all over. I doubled over, wrapping my arms around myself as I cried even harder.

“It’s okay, Charlie,” Adam said as he pulled me to him as best he could. He stroked his hands over my back, through my hair, and down my arms, muttering nonsense in my ear that was clearly meant to distract me from the pain that was ripping through me.

“This isn’t fair, Adam,” I rasped against his neck. “First my dad, now Orlando. How many more people have to disappear from my life before things go back to normal?” I sniffled softly. “Who’s next? You?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, kissing my head lightly. “Don’t worry about that.”

Through the fog in my brain, I remembered his note from the night before, the beautiful words he shared with me, and I suddenly wanted to know what they meant. I pulled the paper from my pocket and laid it on the table.

“Adam, tell me what this means,” I whispered, smoothing out the creases where it had been folded. “Why did you give this to me?”

“I just wanted to let you know that everything is okay,” he said, easing back from me. “I’m sorry I was such a jerk, and that I said such awful things to you. I didn’t mean them.”

“Yes, you did,” I said. “At the time, you very much did. But I’m glad that you’ve gotten over that.”

“Everything just got so complicated so quickly,” he said. “Cybele wanting to reconcile, you staying with Orlando, me going to London, it just all happened at once, and I was having a hard time figuring out which end was up. It seemed like the easiest thing to do would be to make you hate me so that I could move on and not worry about it anymore.”

“Adam, what does your wife think of you being here?” I didn’t want to know, but I felt I had to ask.

“She’s not too happy about it,” he said, refusing to meet my eyes. “She just doesn’t understand why I felt I needed to be here.”

“And why is that?” I was digging a hole, I knew it, but I was so emotionally strung out, I figured it couldn’t get any worse.

“For you, Charlie,” he said, his voice a whisper. “I knew you’d need someone to lean on, and I hoped you would let me be that someone.”

“Why?” I was making him uncomfortable, but my gaze never wavered.

“I’ve told you before, and I told you in my note,” he said, shifting awkwardly. “But now isn’t the best time to get into it. You need to deal with Orlando and that whole situation before we dive head-first back into our same old merry-go-round.”

“Who am I to argue?” I sighed, leaning back in my chair. I sipped my coffee. “It’s not like I know whether I’m coming or going right now.”

“Do you want me to stay a few extra days?” he asked, covering my hand with his and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure Nick wouldn’t mind if I did.”

I thought about it for a minute, then nodded, almost reluctantly. “If it’s okay with you,” I said, giving him a small smile. “I think I’d like that.”

“Great,” he said, a warm grin spreading over his face. “Why don’t you go back upstairs and try to get some sleep? You look like you’re ready to fall off your chair.”

I shook my head. “I can’t,” I said. “Lisa’s still sleeping, and I don’t want to wake her with my shifting around. I’ll probably curl up on the sofa or something and try to get some sleep there.” I paused. “Do you want to sit with me?” The words were barely audible, but he heard them.

“Sure,” he said.

We got up from the table and went into the living room. I flipped on the TV for background noise, and sat on the sofa. Adam settled himself in the corner, and I stretched out, with my head on his shoulder. It felt nice to be held, even if it wasn’t his arms I wanted around me. I sighed somewhat contentedly and drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, I was alone, and the sun was shining brightly through the living room window. I could hear voices coming from the kitchen, so I got up and headed that way.

“Is it really a good idea for you to stay with her?” Nick’s voice carried into the hallway.

“She needs me right now,” Adam said, sounding resigned to being my keeper. I stopped outside the kitchen and listened.

“She needs to be by herself,” Lisa said sternly. “This thing with Orlando will blow over, and they’ll get back together, and you’ll be left high and dry again. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get on that plane with us today.”

“I don’t want to, Lisa,” Adam said. “I want to be wherever she needs me to be. And I know that’s pathetic, and I’m probably setting myself up for heartache again, but I can’t help what I feel. If she wants me to help her get back with Orlando, or to let her yell and scream about him, that’s fine, it’s what I’ll do.”

“Even if she doesn’t get back with him, do you think she’ll be ready for another relationship so soon?” Nick said, his voice unreadable. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“I don’t care,” Adam said vehemently. “If I can only be her friend, so be it. As long as she’s happy, I’ll take what I can get.”

Tears stung my eyes as I heard the love in his voice. The last thing I needed was one more complication in my life. I decided against going into the kitchen, and headed upstairs instead. I went into my room, closed the door, and grabbed my cell phone from my pocket.

To my surprise, Orlando answered the phone on the third ring. “I don’t have time to argue right now, Charlie,” he said, but there was nothing harsh about his voice. He sounded very weary, very tired. “I’ll phone you later, when I’ve had a chance to sleep and cool down, okay?”

“I just wanted to apologize,” I said, not wanting him to hang up. I knew how hard it was to get him on the phone lately. “I didn’t mean what I said before, and I’m sorry I said it.”

“Even if you didn’t mean it, the idea came from somewhere, love,” he said gently. “And that’s what worries me. Somewhere, deep in your mind, that’s what you think about me, as much as you try not to.”

“But I really don’t,” I said, somewhat desperately. He was too calm, his voice too dead, and I couldn’t read it at all. “I said what I said out of anger and hurt, not all of which was aimed at you. I know you’re under contract to be there, to be at your appearances, and I’m okay with it, I really am.”

“No, you’re not,” he said softly. “I know you well enough by now to know when you’re saying what you think I want to hear, Charlie. And now is not the time to do that.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Okay, look, I want to talk to you about this, I really do, but now’s not good. I have a press conference in three hours, and I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I will ring you later on today, and we’ll talk, okay? That’s the best I can do right now.”

“I didn’t mean to bother you,” I said, very formally, as though we were strangers. That’s what I felt like, as though I were some random acquaintance that he didn’t have time deal with right then. I hated the coldness, the distance. “Can I ask you one more question?” I dared to ask.

“Quickly,” he said abruptly.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it caused my words to shake as I said them. “Are we still together, Orlando? Do you still love me?” I felt so childish asking, but I had to hear him say it.

He didn’t say anything for what felt like an eternity, but was in reality only a few seconds. “I still love you, yes,” he said slowly, as though measuring each word. “As for the other, I don’t know. I need to think about it, Charlie, I really do.”

“What is there to think about?” I burst out, unable to control it. “You either want to be with me, or you don’t. It’s that simple.”

“It’s not that simple anymore,” he said in that same careful tone. “Don’t ask me any more questions right now, okay? You’re not going to like the answers, I’m pretty sure of that. We’ll talk later.” He hung up before I could say anything else.