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“You don’t need to stand in the doorway, Mycki,” Nick said with a smirk as he flopped down heavily on the couch. “I won’t bite, I promised, remember?”

I shuffled into the room a bit more, running my fingers along the wall as I went, as though I wanted something solid to remind me this wasn’t some warped nightmare. I had a hard time looking at him.

“I’m still not sure this is a good idea,” I said, focusing my gaze on the all-too-inviting bed that was practically begging me to curl up in it. My ass cheek was starting to come back to life, and was reminding me that sitting on the floor for that length of time probably wasn’t the smartest thing I could’ve done. I wandered toward the large bed, the crisp white sheets, the pillows that were calling my name.

I sat gently on the edge of the bed, gingerly moving so my tingling rear end was a bit more comfortable. As soon as I felt the softness under me, I had to fight a groan. I know my eyes rolled back in my head, and I know Nick watched the whole thing, a sexy little grin on his face.

“Comfortable?” he said as I crawled up the bed and settled myself right in the middle, pulling the blankets up as I went. I arranged the pillows around me and cuddled into them, flipping onto my side, facing him, to give my backside a rest. I pulled my knees up to my chest and propped my head on a pillow, studying him for a moment.

He hadn’t moved on the couch, one arm swung lazily over the back, the other resting lightly on his thigh. I refused to look at that hand, at the beautiful leg underneath it, and moved my eyes to his face.

His eyelids were heavy, I’m guessing from exhaustion, and that damned grin was still firmly in place. When he realized I was staring, he raised on eyebrow at me.

“Something interesting, Mycki?” he asked, drawing out his words, his voice unbelievably stimulating. Chills shot through me.

“Just trying to keep my eyes open,” I said, shrugging around my pillow. “Seems kind of rude of me to sleep when you don’t even have a blanket yet.”

“If you’re tired, go to sleep,” he said, shifting so he was laying down, tucking a pillow under his head and lacing his fingers together over his stomach. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m trying not to,” I said, too tired to care about what came out of my mouth now. “But you keep popping up today. Why is that, do you figure?” Sleep tugged at my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them close. Exhaustion made me feel like I was drunk or something, and suddenly I needed to talk to him. I figured I could work out my twisted reasoning when my brain was rested enough to actually function. For now, I let it drift in the sleepy fog that was settling over me. It seemed more peaceful than being fully alert, so I embraced it and waited for Nick’s answer.

“I don’t think now’s the best time to talk about that, do you?” he said, sounding very wary very suddenly. “If you want to, we can talk about it tomorrow before I leave.”

“Leaving again, huh?” I said, my words coming out slightly slurred. “Seems to be your pattern.” I paused. “No, wait, your pattern is kicking people out, isn’t it? Yeah, that seems more accurate.”

I noticed him tense ever-so-slightly. “Not tonight, Mycki,” he said, a bit more firmly.

I sat up, suddenly feeling very pissed off. “Why not tonight, Nick? Why not now?” I snapped sleepily. I swayed where I sat, trying to stay upright. “You fucking hurt me, you prick. You gave me one of the best experiences of my life, and then you threw me out like yesterday’s garbage. Why the hell shouldn’t I be able to talk about it?” I disregarded the fact that I’d already ran way from him when he’d tried to explain. That didn’t matter in my sleepy fog.

He sighed heavily and heaved himself up off the couch. I shrank back as he approached the bed, his hand stretched out toward me. I didn’t know what to do, so I just stared at him.

“Myckaila, come here,” he instructed, grabbing my hand and tugging gently. Dazed, letting my exhaustion get the better of me, I let him pull me off the bed and to my feet in front of him. He took my face between his hands and forced me to look him right in the eye. “Listen to me very carefully, okay?” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. I stayed still and didn’t speak, barely able to breathe because of the heat his hands were sending down through my body. I fought to stay angry, but it was getting more difficult by the second.

“I didn’t mean to throw you out,” he said after a brief pause. “I apologize, a hundred times over, if that’s what it takes. Do you want to know what I did when you were gone that night? Would it help if I told you?”

I managed a half-hearted shrug.

“As soon as the elevator doors closed, I went back to my room and I cried,” he said, his facing colouring slightly at his admission. He really had my attention now.

“You cried?” I whispered, not sure I’d heard him correctly.

“Yeah, pretty fucking pathetic, isn’t it?” he said, a disgusted look on his face. “I’m not good with this kind of thing, so bear with me a minute, okay?” He took a deep breath. “What we did was different from what I usually do with my one night stands,” he started, dropping his hands and moving back from me a little. I sat on the bed and watched as he started to pace.

“You don’t have sex with them?” I asked, completely confused now. I swear, my brain was crying out for sleep, but I didn’t want to interrupt him now that I was finally going to get some real answers.

“Oh, I have sex with them all right,” he said, pacing a bit faster. “It’s usually fast, though, and somewhat aggressive, I’ll admit. Normally I just want what I want and that’s it, you know?”

“That’s attractive,” I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes. “Basically you use them, the way you used me. I think I knew that already.”

“But there was nothing aggressive or rushed about what we did,” he said, coming over to kneel in front of me. He reached up and took my hands in his. I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me. “When I saw you sitting in that stupid room, by the fire, I didn’t actually think I’d sleep with you. I was honestly looking for a bit of a thrill, just to see the nervous adoration in your eyes, like I’d seen earlier in the day. I wanted a hit of that, and nothing else.” He sighed again. “I know that’s horrible of me, messing with you like that, but you shocked me. You were calm and relaxed, which wasn’t what I’d been expecting. It calmed me down a bit, too.”

“I don’t think I want to hear anymore,” I said, completely appalled by the fact that he’d been playing with my head. He knew what he did to me, and he wanted to see it again to stroke his own ego. That was just fucking great.

“Please, just hear me out,” he said, squeezing my fingers when I moved to take them away again. “You asked, remember?” At my heavy sigh, he continued. “It was comfortable in that little room with you, Mycki. I didn’t feel like I needed to talk, to impress, to be the clown, like I normally do around new people. The quiet was nice, you know? Not forced or anything. I’m not used to being that comfortable that fast, and to this day, I still can’t tell you what caused it. But when we went to leave and you brushed against me, unintentionally, it made me want you.”

“A woman brushing up against a man usually causes that kind of reaction,” I muttered, trying to hold onto my sarcasm so I didn’t turn into a puddle of mush in front of him. I really didn’t want to hear anymore, but I knew the dam had burst now and I was going to hear it regardless.

“Not that deep, though,” he insisted, leaning down to meet my eyes as I tried to keep away from his. “I’m not explaining it right, as usual. What I felt wasn’t just physical, does that make sense?”

“None at all.”

“Shit,” he hissed, getting more agitated by the second. I knew I wasn’t helping, but I didn’t really want him to finish.

“You can’t feel something more than physical lust for someone you’ve known for two seconds, Nick,” I pointed out coldly. The tired feeling was gone from my head and only cold anger was left in its place. The funny thing was, the anger was more at myself than at him.

“Normally I’d agree with you,” he said, resting back on his heels and dropping my hands. “That’s why this was so hard to take. It felt like something inside of me physically moved, Mycki, I’m not kidding. Yeah, I wanted to have sex with you, I’m a guy, but wanting to watch you, to make you feel those things, that’s unusual. That was the new part, the scary part.”

“No, the scary part is how quickly you changed, Nick,” I said, folding my arms over my chest, as though to protect myself from him. “If any of what you’re saying is true, you wouldn’t have acted the way you did. You would have treated me with a bit of respect, but you didn’t, so now I’m having a tough time believing your crap.”

“You can believe what you want,” he said, getting frustrated with me. “I’m trying to be honest with you, to talk about how I felt, which is something I never do, and you’re not even giving me a chance to explain it properly. I may have treated you like shit then, but you’re doing it to me now.”

“You don’t deserve better,” I said as he stood up and began pacing again. “If I hadn’t been here tonight, if my sister hadn’t asked me to take my niece to the concert, you wouldn’t have even had a chance to explain things, so it’s not like you really want to. You tried to sleep with me again, I turned you down, and now you’re making up all this garbage to make me feel bad for you. It’s not working, just so you know. The only person I feel bad for right now is myself, being stuck in this stupid room with you. I’d probably be better off in the hallway.”

I threw back my blankets and jumped out of the bed. I couldn’t be in that room with him anymore, not knowing what he was trying to do. He’d never given me another thought between that night a year ago and now, so why should I let him try to fill my head with more of his lies so that he could have sex with me again? And why should I put myself through the hurt again, when I knew it was inevitable? Fool me once, shame on him, but fool me twice, shame on me, right? I wasn’t that stupid.

I was just about to open the door when someone knocked on it. Startled, I froze, my hand in mid-air. Nick moved me aside and opened it, accepting a stack of blankets from the bellhop, signing the slip, and swiftly closing the door again. He threw the blankets on the bed, and turned to me. He was now blocking my exit, standing between me and the door, and I knew that if I tried to get around him, he’d stop me.

“Nick, get out of my way,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I felt tears coming, lots of them, and I wanted to be far away from him when they finally spilled over.

“No,” he said simply, moving closer to me, backing me up until the back of my legs touched the edge of the bed. “You’re not going to run anymore tonight. You’re going to hear me out, fully, and understand what I have to say. If you leave now, this will never be over. Neither of us will ever be satisfied.” He ran a hand through his hair, causing some of it to stand on end. “And I’m not going another year wondering where you are and what you’re doing.”

“Like you did that in the first place,” I said, rolling my eyes, fighting the urge to smooth that hair back into place.

“More than once,” he said, somewhat sadly, hooking his finger under my chin and lifting my face to look at him. “I wondered what your laugh sounded like, what you liked to do for fun, what other types of music you listen to, random things like that. There was no way for me to contact you, I didn’t even know what city you were from.” His thumb smoothed over my cheek as he gave me a sad smile. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, especially after I acted like such a jerk. And here you are. You don’t think there’s a little bit of fate in that?”

I looked at him for a brief second, asking myself if he was being sincere, if I could actually believe what he was saying. I just didn’t know.

“You sound like a bad romance novel,” I decided finally. “You don’t need to say things like that, you know. It won’t help. You don’t believe in fate any more than I do, so cut the shit.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them, I saw the hurt clearly in their blue depths. Guilt shot through my stomach. He moved his hand across my cheek, up under my hair, over my neck, and pulled me in so our noses were almost touching.

“I believe in fate, Myckaila,” he whispered, and I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face. My insides started to quiver, and I fought to make sure my outsides didn’t as well.

“What do you want from me, Nick?” I whispered back, feeling my eyes start to mist over a bit. “I just can’t trust you, don’t you get that? You need to realize that this isn’t something that’s just going to go away, no matter how much you talk to me about it, no matter how much you want me to believe you’re sorry. I need time, and given that after tonight I’ll never see you again, I don’t think that’s something we have.”

“It can be,” he suggested, rubbing his nose against mine slightly. My knees trembled. “Just because we’re going in different directions after tonight doesn’t mean we can’t keep in touch.”

“I don’t know if I want to keep in touch with you,” I said as he placed a light kiss just to the left of my mouth. “And don’t do that.” I couldn’t think with him that close to me.

“Then I’ll give you my cell number,” he said, placing another little kiss on my face, this time to the right of my mouth. I think I almost stopped breathing, he was so close. “You can call me when you’re ready.”

“And what if I never am?” I asked, accepting a light kiss on my forehead. If he kept doing that, I doubted I’d be able to get out of there. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to. The battle between what I wanted and what I knew was right was raging brightly inside me, and I had no idea which side would win.

“Then at least I tried, right?” he said, kissing my chin. His hands were now resting lightly on my hips, not moving, not pulling me, just sitting there. Their warmth was incredible, and my body remembered it well, despite my best efforts. I should have walked away right there, should have shoved him and ran, but I couldn’t. What I wanted was winning out over what was right, and I felt myself relaxing a bit, almost leaning into him.

I lifted my head and as soon as I did, his lips came down on mine, softly, gently. He withdrew after the briefest second, such a chaste kiss, yet enough to make every inch of my body erupt in flames.

My hands lightly gripped his elbows, and I was aware that he probably felt me shaking. I kept repeating over and over in my head that he’d hurt me, that I shouldn’t be this close to him, that I was only asking for trouble now. But I couldn’t, for the life of me, make myself move.

When I didn’t move away, he lowered his head and our mouths connected again, still lightly, hesitantly. I slid my fingers up his arms and over his shoulders, such strong shoulders, such smooth skin, such beautiful tattoos. I began tracing the lines on his tattoos as he kissed me, and it caused him to move his hands from my waist to my back, bringing me into him, so there was no space left between us.

“I have to get up in a couple hours,” he murmured against my lips. “At least stay until then.”

I leaned back a bit. “Stay and do what?” I asked, unable to keep the bitterness from my voice, as much as my body was screaming at me to just shut the hell up and let nature take its course.

“Whatever you want,” he said, his eyes shining in the dim light.

My weariness was starting to come back, especially since I knew Cammi would get up in a few hours and I’d have to drive her home. As much as I wanted to continue certain activities, I knew I couldn’t. I’d probably fall asleep before our clothes hit the floor. Giving in to that, I stepped away.

“I need to sleep, Nick,” I said, letting myself sink down on the bed. “Just sleep.”

He hid his frustration well, but I could see it in the way he started to fidget. “I’ll be on the couch, then,” he said, sounding resigned. He grabbed the extra blankets off the bed and started laying them out on the couch.

“Nick,” I whispered, going to him, resting my hand on the small of his back as he bent to his task. “Why don’t we share the bed?” I suggested when he turned around. I was almost appalled that the idea came from my mouth, but I didn’t flinch away from it. The bed was huge, after all. Why couldn’t we be adults and share?

“Are you sure?” he asked as I took his hand and pulled him toward the bed. “That could get complicated.”

“Just sleep, Nick,” I said firmly as I climbed under the covers. “You on your side, me on mine, we’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” he said, tugging off his shirt and crawling in beside me. He kicked off his pants under the blankets and threw them on the floor. I gave him a look and he shrugged. “Can’t sleep in pants,” he muttered before rolling over and turning out the light.

We settled ourselves quickly, and he set the alarm on the nightstand. I could hear his smooth, even breathing in the darkness, could feel the heat coming from him even though he wasn’t touching me, and I made a decision.

“Nick?” I said quietly, afraid to disturb the shadows around us. “You awake?”

“Yeah.”

I rolled to face him and propped myself up on my elbow, finding myself closer to him than I’d intended to be.

“Why are you in the middle of the bed?” I asked, keeping my tone light and teasing.

“Habit, I guess,” he said, looking over at me. I could barely see his face in the dimness, but I could see enough to know he was looking at me. “Sorry.” He started to shift away. I put my hand on his chest to stop him. He froze.

“It’s okay,” I said, unable to take my fingers from his smooth skin. I shifted closer and placed a little kiss on his collarbone.

“Mycki, what are you doing?” he asked, and I felt his breathing hitch as my hand moved under the sheet that covered him. I let my fingertips trail over his stomach, around his belly button, over the dents at the top of his hips, across the waistband of his boxers. I kept my touch feather-light as I traced the same trail back upwards.

“I’m still pissed at you,” I said, wanting that to be clear up front. “But let’s face it, I’m a woman, and I have needs. If you don’t object, I’d like to have another meaningless night with you.” Why the hell did I sound so formal? I shook my head. “Basically, Nick, I want to have sex.”

I heard and felt him suck in a deep breath at my words. He didn’t move, though.

“Nick?”

“I’ll probably kick myself for this later, but I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said, lifting my hand off of him and setting it on the bed between us. “After what happened last time, I don’t think either one of us is ready for that.”

“What the hell happened to ‘whatever you want?’” I asked, sitting up. I reached over him and turned the light back on. “Were those not your exact words like five minutes ago?”

“Yeah, I know what I said,” he said, hauling himself up into a sitting position. “The shit we’ve been dealing with tonight kind of makes meaningless sex impossible, and you said yourself, you’re still pissed at me. I know you’ll hate me again tomorrow if we do this tonight, so let’s just get some sleep, okay?”

He was actually turning me down. I couldn’t believe it. “What did you expect would happen when you kissed me like that?” I asked, feeling the first sting of rejection prickle at the back of my mind. “Did you think the sex would mean something? Did you think I’d just forgive and forget and fall into your arms? Sex between us will never be anything but meaningless, Nick, keep that in mind.”

“So you say now,” he said, shrugging. “You don’t know what will happen down the road. And even the first time wasn’t meaningless on my end.”

He laid down again and turned off the light, keeping his back to me. “Good night, Mycki,” he said over his shoulder. “Get some rest.”

So the subject was closed. I sat there for a minute, letting the humiliation wash over me, then I laid down, too. I settled in for my second sleepless night at his hands. And not in a good way.