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Since it was Saturday, we were due at the theatre for our regular performance that night. I actually got butterflies in my stomach as I thought about seeing Adam again, but I pushed them aside, refusing to let the giddiness overwhelm me. It’s not like we were in a new relationship or anything.

When I got there, I went into the dressing rooms to pull on my undergarments so I’d be ready to be painted. As I was adjusting my halter top over my slip, the door opened, then closed, and I was pulled into warm arms.

“Adam,” I squealed as he pressed me against him and leaned down to kiss my bare neck. “What are you doing?” I laughed.

“Don’t you know?” he said against my skin. I had to admit, the feel of his hands on my back and shoulders was making me weak. “I just wanted to say hello.”

I smiled and hugged him. “I think you’ve said more than that,” I said, pulling back to look into his face. He looked so happy, I had to grin. I kissed him briefly. “I have to get out there to get my paint on.”

“Okay,” he said, but he didn’t release me. Instead, he leaned down and kissed me, a slow, enduring kiss. I wrapped my arms around him again and sank into his body. All too soon, I was forced to break the kiss.

“I really need to go,” I said. “But we’ll pick this up later, okay?”

“Promise?” he teased against my ear.

“Promise.” I stepped back, a grin splitting my face. I kissed him quickly. “I’ll see you in a bit.” I ducked out of the room.

When I was all painted up and ready to go, Lisa came up to me, a dangerous twinkle in her eyes. “Go back to your dressing table,” she said conspiratorially.

“Why?” I said, adjusting my wig. “I have to get into the wings.”

“Just do it,” she said, shoving me in that direction.

I shook my head and went back to my dressing table, as I’d been instructed. There was a small ring box sitting there, with a note. I picked up the box and opened it. My ring, the one Orlando had given me, was sitting there on the dark blue velvet of the box interior. I put it down quickly, as though it burned my fingers, then picked up the note. There was Orlando’s familiar scribbles waiting for me.

“Charlie,” the note read, “You gave this back to me out of anger, and I’m returning it to you out of love. Please wear it again, and please think of me when you do. I love you with all my heart, more than I ever thought I could or would, and I want nothing more than to be with you. I did a stupid thing and I’m hoping you won’t hold it against me, that you’ll accept me back into your life. We’ll talk soon. I love you. Orlando.”

I put the note down beside the ring box, and stared at it for a moment. I wanted to laugh, and cry, and scream, all at the same time. A lump formed in my throat and I had to quickly swallow it down, knowing it wouldn’t be good for my voice. I tucked the ring box and the note gently into my purse, and hurried to take my place in the wings. I would deal with that later.

I have to admit, I was glad to have Adam out on the stage with me that night. He was comforting, and he made it easy to forget the choice I had waiting for me when the show ended. When he kissed me, there was so much passion to it, I was ready to rip his costume off and have my way with him right there on the stage, but I somehow doubted that’s what our patrons wanted to see. The sexual tension made for a fabulous number, though, and the whistles and cat calls afterwards were deafening. By the time we took our last curtain call, I was flushed and glowing with excitement.

That is, until I got back to my dressing table after my shower and saw the ring box sticking out of my purse. I felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over me. I sat there and stared at it for a moment, until Lisa came over and broke my concentration.

“Did you bring that here?” I said quietly, gesturing to the as-yet-untouched box.

“Yes,” she said, somewhat sheepishly. “Orlando couriered it here, and I said I’d give it to you tonight. But I agreed before I knew about you and Adam.”

“Then why didn’t you just send it back to him and forget about it?” I said, somewhat testily.

“Because I couldn’t do that,” she said. “I made a promise.”

“Do you realize the position you’ve put me in?” I grabbed the box and opened it, to see my beautiful little heart staring back at me. I ached to put it on, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet. “You’re forcing me to choose now, and I’m not appreciating it.”

“I just figured you should know what he’s feeling,” she said, a sincere expression on her face. “I guess part of me just thinks you’re going to get back together.”

“So does he,” I said, picking up the note. I read it to her. “See?” I said when I’d finished, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was looking over my head, at something behind me. I turned around to see Adam staring down at me.

“Hi,” I said, not knowing what else to say. I didn’t know how he’d react, because I wasn’t too sure where we stood at the moment, other than completely obsessed with touching each other.

“Hey,” he said, sitting down beside me. He had a very understanding look on his face, for which I was thankful. “When did that come?” He gestured to the note.

“Just before the show,” I said, handing it to him, even though I’m pretty sure he’d already heard the whole thing. He scanned it quickly and gave it back, his eyes searching mine.

“What are you going to do?” he asked, reaching out to take my hand.

I shrugged, putting the note and the ring box back in my purse and zipping it up, out of sight, out of mind, for the time being. “I don’t really know yet,” I said. “I haven’t had a chance to think about it.”

“But you will think about it, right?” Lisa said, forcing my attention back to her. “Don’t you think he deserves that much at least?”

I sighed. “Yes, Lisa, I’ll think about it,” I said, standing up. I suddenly felt so tired I wanted to curl up right there on the floor. I shook it off and tried to smile at Adam.

“Do you want to go somewhere and talk about this?” he said, his arm slipping around me.

I looked up at him, grateful that our little incident earlier hadn’t changed anything about our friendship. I didn’t want to talk to Lisa, because she’d become Orlando’s own personal cheering section, and that wouldn’t help me make a fair decision. I leaned into Adam and nodded. “I think I’d like that,” I said. I turned to Lisa. “I’ll be home later.”

She nodded, seeming to understand that I just needed time. “Take your time.” She hugged me briefly and Adam led me away.

“Where are we going?” I said as we hailed a cab in front of the theatre.

“My place,” he said, opening the cab door for me. “I figure it’s quiet there, and we can talk.”

My stomach went all fluttery at the thought of going home with him. He held my hand as the cab took us to the address he gave, and when we pulled up in front of a very posh looking apartment building, he jumped out and held the car door open for me before paying the driver. Then he took my arm and led me inside.

The apartment, on the top floor of the building, was very nice indeed, though not overwhelmingly so. It looked as though he’d just moved in, but then, considering he hadn’t been separated from his wife for very long, that made sense.

A short time later we were settled on his large overstuffed sofa, wine glasses in our hands, my feet on his lap, with some music playing quietly in the background. The lighting was dim, and I had to admit, the whole scene was very romantic. Unfortunately, I had Orlando’s note on my mind too much to really enjoy it.

“It just keeps getting worse,” I said as Adam began gently rubbing my feet. I took a sip of my wine. “Just when I think I’m ready to face the world without him, he does something like this. And Lisa’s not really helping me out, because she’s his co-conspirator. I don’t stand a chance.”

“What it really comes down to, Charlie, is whether or not you want to be with him again,” Adam said, his nimble fingers working all of the tension out of my feet. “And you can’t let anyone else influence that decision, not Lisa, not Orlando,” he paused, “not me.”
I looked at him, at the sincere expression on his face. “Of course you’re a factor now, Adam,” I said honestly. As much as I’d tried not to, I was starting to care about him as more than a friend, and it was impacting my decision. “I mean, if you want to be,” I added quickly, not wanting to push something on him that he wasn’t ready for.

“I’m your friend, Charlie,” he said, his hands moving up my legs, over my jeans. “I’ll understand if you decide to go back to Orlando. Remember, I’ve never asked you for anything.”

“I know,” I said, smiling as I reached out to lightly run my fingers down his cheek. “I don’t think I’m ready to go back to Orlando, whether you’re in the picture or not. I need to forgive him for what he did, and I can’t yet.”

“Holding on to that pain isn’t going to make your life any easier,” he said, massaging my calves. “Just remember that, okay?”

I pulled my legs away so that I could sit right next to him, on my knees. His arms came up to wrap around my waist, and he tugged me gently down onto his lap. I leaned down and kissed his lips softly. “All I want to remember right now is where we left off earlier,” I said, ready to stop talking and let my body take over. He was so solid beneath me, so real, so comfortable, and all I wanted to do was let him make me forget everything but that.

“Charlie, are you sure?” he said as I began unbuttoning his shirt. “You’re dealing with some things right now, and it may not be the best idea.”

“Remember what you said earlier today?” I said as I began placing little nipping kisses along his jaw. “About forgetting all the bad and getting lost in the good?”

“Of course,” he said as my hands strayed inside his shirt. “How could I forget?”

“Well that’s exactly what I’m doing,” I said, loving the feel of his warm skin beneath my fingertips. I felt his hands come up behind me and begin to slide my sweater up my back, and before long it was on the floor in a heap with his shirt. I stood up and extended my hand to him. He didn’t need any more invitation than that to rise as well, and lead me through the apartment to the bedroom.

For the next few hours, I forgot everything but Adam and the sensations he was creating with my body. I gave myself completely to him, and for the time being, I allowed myself to exist in the fantasy world of his bedroom, where we were the only two people who mattered.

I woke up with sunlight streaming down on me, wrapped in Adam’s arms, and the memories of the night before came flooding back. I smiled as I adjusted myself under the covers, rolling slightly so I could look at his face as he slept. I felt contented, and yet, at the same time, unsettled. Guilt was creeping up on me, and I tried to shove it away, to keep the fantasy just a little longer. I kept telling myself that I was free to be with whomever I wanted, and that included Adam, but something kept nagging in the back of my head that I’d done something wrong.

I leaned over and gently kissed Adam’s lips as he slept, a peaceful expression on his face, then got out of bed. I gathered up my clothes, pulled them on, and snuck out of the apartment. Within fifteen minutes, I was home.

The clock on the kitchen wall told me it was just past seven when I got home. I made myself a cup of tea and went into my room. I sat on the bed and reached for my purse, pulling out the ring box and Orlando’s note. Tears welled in my eyes as I read the words over and over again, as I realized that as much as I loved him, I could never be with him again. I’d made my choice, and Adam was it. True, we weren’t in a relationship, but I felt that by sleeping with Adam I had let Orlando, and the idea of being with him again, slip away. I opened my nightstand and gently set the ring and the note in the drawer, with my treasured picture, then shut the drawer gently. I had to let him go.

I stayed in my room until it was time to go to the theatre for the matinee performance. It was Sunday, after all. Adam caught up with me just as I was coming up the street in front of the theatre.

“Where’d you go this morning?” he asked, taking my hand. His hand was warm and soft, while mine was freezing in the January wind. “You could have woke me, I would have taken you home.” The look on his face was so tender, so gentle, and I felt the guilt swell in me again.

I shook my head as he opened the theatre door for me. “I didn’t want to bother you,” I said. “You were sleeping so peacefully, it seemed a shame to wake you.” I tried to smile warmly, but I know it didn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Charlie, what’s wrong?” he said, stopping half way through the lobby. He took me in his arms, and I allowed him to hold me against him as best he could with our bulky coats.

I sighed. I decided to be completely honest with him. “I’m just feeling some guilt over last night,” I said, looking up into his eyes. “I needed to sort that out on my own, you know?”

He hugged me gently. “I understand,” he said against my hair. “Are you sorry?”

“I don’t think so,” I said slowly. I certainly didn’t regret being with him, and I didn’t want him to think I did. “I guess I’m just dealing with the whole Orlando thing, and it’s throwing me a curve right now.”

“Have you thought any more about going back to him?” We began walking through the lobby again, to the backstage area so we could get ready. “I know it was on your mind last night.” He seemed a little put out.

“Not while we were together,” I said quickly. “Adam, believe me, that was all about you.”

“I know,” he said. “No promises, remember?”

“Is that really what you want?” I said as we entered the coat room and began stripping off our heavy winter coats. “Even after last night?”

He didn’t say anything for a minute. “I’m feeling the same guilt you are,” he said finally. “I mean, I’m still married, and yet we slept together. But you know, it was absolutely what I wanted to do, and I hope that neither of us looks at last night with any regret.”

I nodded. “I think that’s a good way to look at it.”

“I’d like to keep it casual for now,” he said, cupping my face in his hands. He leaned down and kissed me softly, sending little shivers up and down my spine. “But you haven’t answered my question, Charlie. What have you decided about Orlando?”

I slipped my arms around his neck and put my head on his shoulder, sagging against him. “I have to let him go, Adam,” I said, fighting the urge to cry. “I can’t go back now.”

“Because of me?”

“I don’t know how well it would go over if he knew I’d slept with someone else,” I said, trying not to imagine the hurt on his face. “That’s where the guilt is coming from.”

“That will fade over time,” he whispered in my ear, his hands rubbing my back gently. “I’m here if you need me.”

I pulled back and smiled up at him. “You know what?” I said, wanting to lighten the mood. It was getting far too serious, and I needed to be pumped and bubbly to go onstage.

“What?”

“If someone had told me even a year ago that I’d be in your arms, or that I’d have spent the night with you, I would have told them they were crazy,” I said, pressing myself against him suggestively. I felt his breathing catch.

“I’m flattered,” he said, kissing me.

“I’m serious,” I said, playfully swatting his chest as he tried to deepen the kiss. “I had a huge crush on you when I first saw Rent, when I was thirteen.”

“Thirteen?” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Now I feel like I’m robbing the cradle here.”

“Don’t worry about that,” I said, slipping my hand down his back. “I’m fully grown now.”

He smiled. “Don’t I know it,” he whispered, then kissed me, his lips soft and warm on mine. I loved the fact that we could keep it light and fun, just the friendly banter we’d had since the start.

I broke the kiss a few seconds later, before it became too heated. “Save some of that for the show,” I said, grinning. “We need to get to the warm-up.”

“After you, my dear,” he said, releasing me and holding open the door for me. We went to do the warm-up, then the show.

“Okay, you have some explaining to do,” Lisa said, flopping down beside me a few hours later, after the show had ended and I’d showered. I was pulling my wet hair into a messy bun at my dressing table. “You didn’t come home last night.”

“Thanks for the update,” I said, rolling my eyes as I reached for my hair elastic. “I think I knew that.”

“Where were you, smartass?” she said, grinning. “As if I don’t already know.”

“I stayed at Adam’s,” I said simply. I finished my hair and stood up. “It’s not like I broke curfew or something.”

“You little slut,” she said, standing too, her face split with a huge smirk. Then she sobered. “I’m guessing that means you’ve decided against getting back with Orlando.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it,” I said, going to get my coat. When I came back, she was still standing there. “Are you coming?” I said.

“Charlie, are you really not going back to him?” she said, following me into the lobby. Adam had his kids that afternoon, and he’d already left, so I’d decided to go home and work on Cooper’s music, since my voice was already warmed up.

“I can’t,” I said. “I need to move on.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I guess I should,” I said as we left the theatre and began walking up the sidewalk, toward home. “Maybe if I say it straight out, he’ll get the hint.”

“You’re going to break his heart,” Lisa said.

“Then we’ll be even, won’t we?” I said, bitterness rising in me. “It kills me how you think I’m supposed to care about that, when he obviously didn’t care about breaking my heart before.”

“I’m not going through this with you again,” she said, shaking her head. “You know damn well that’s not the case. He’s admitted he messed up.”

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t change anything, does it?”

“I guess not.”

We walked the rest of the way in silence, figuring it was better to let the subject drop than to start another fight between us over it. When we got home, I went into my room with my music, leaving Lisa to do her own thing in the living room. I heard her yoga DVD start a short time later.

A few hours later, just as I was taking a break from the music, Lisa came into my room, the phone in her hand. She thrust it at me. “It’s for you.” I hadn’t even heard it ring. The look on her face told me exactly who it was.

“Hello, Orlando,” I said when Lisa had left the room again. My stomach began to knot up at the thought of the conversation that was to come.

“How are you, love?” he said, his voice holding more hope than I’d thought possible. “Did you get my note?”

“I did,” I said slowly, sitting down on my bed. I decided to let the fact that he’d called me ‘love’ pass for the moment.

“Have you thought about it at all?” I could swear he was holding his breath.

“I have,” I said, trying to decide how best to tell him my decision. “Orlando, look, I appreciate the fact that you want to be with me, but I just can’t let that happen right now, okay? I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff, and I need to be away from you for awhile.”

“I see,” he said, his voice too calm, too dead. “And there’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”

“No, there’s not,” I said, trying to keep my tone gentle. “We need to move on.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me everything?” he said, suspicion clear in his voice.

I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. He knew me too well, I couldn’t just kiss him off and hope he didn’t ask questions. “Are you sure you want to hear the truth?” I said after a pause.

“I get the feeling I’m going to regret this, but yes, Charlie, I want to hear the truth.”

“Okay,” I said, closing my eyes as the words came out of my mouth. “There’s someone else in my life right now.”

I heard his sharp intake of breath, but he didn’t say anything.

“Orlando?” I said softly. “Say something.”

“What would you like me to say?” he said, and I could tell he was angry. “It’s only been a few weeks and you’re already with someone else?”
“I’m not serious with him,” I said, wanting to defend myself. “But I’d like to see where it leads. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Even as I said it, guilt burned in me. I honestly felt like I was cheating on him.

“Have you slept with him yet?”

“Why do you want to know that?” I said, rather than answer him. “Will knowing that make it easier?”

“Damn it, Charlie, answer the question.”

“Fine, I’ve slept with him,” I spat, getting angry at him. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Is it the truth?” His voice was dead, with absolutely no expression.

“Yes,” I whispered, tears rolling down my face. “I’m sorry, but it’s true.” I could feel my heart breaking all over again as I pictured his face, his beautiful features twisted in pain. His breathing was labored over the phone, as though he was trying to control it. “Orlando, it’s for the best,” I said softly.

“I don’t know how it could be,” he said, his voice wavering. “I didn’t expect this.”

“I didn’t either,” I said. “It just sort of happened, and now we’re working out the details.” I paused. “He’s married, so it’s not serious right now.”

“Married?” I could hear the shock in his voice. “Charlie, you’re shagging a married man?”

“They’re separated,” I said, feeling the need to justify myself to him. What I really wanted was to start the conversation over again, to give him a different answer, but I was in too far now, and couldn’t go back. I’d made my decision, I had to stick with it. “Look, I don’t want to talk about this with you. I just wanted to be honest and let you know where I stand.”

“I think you’ve made that pretty clear,” he said coldly. “I guess some part of me just thought it might be possible to start again. Silly me.”

“Don’t get pissed off at me because I moved on,” I said, my face burning with my anger. “Just remember who started this whole thing. It certainly wasn’t me.”

“You’ll never let me live that down, will you?” he said, almost yelling. “I messed up, Charlie, I’m sorry. Get over it.”

“I’m trying to,” I snapped. “But phone calls like this keep getting in my way. Look, don’t call me anymore, Orlando, I mean it. Don’t talk to Lisa about me, don’t get your friends to bother me, don’t send me things. Do us both a favour and forget I exist, okay?”

“Oh I plan to,” he yelled. I disconnected the phone and threw it against the wall. I got off the bed, grabbed my coat and my purse, and stormed out of the apartment.