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Lisa was already gone when I got up the next morning. I crawled out of bed, brushed my teeth, pulled my hair up in a ponytail, and went to the kitchen for coffee, tying my robe around me as I went. I was just adding milk to my coffee when someone knocked at the door. I took my cup and went to answer it.

“Adam,” I said when I opened the door. “Come in.” I stepped back so he could enter.

“Sorry to just stop by like this,” he said, following me into the living room. I was silently thanking the fact that I’d already made myself half way presentable. At least I didn’t look like I’d just rolled out of bed, even if I was in my pajamas.

“No big deal,” I said as we settled ourselves on the sofa. “Are you okay?” Now that I really looked at him, he looked sad.

“Yeah, just the usual crap, you know?” he said, giving me a sad smile. “I talked to Cybele this morning.”

“I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”

“It was tense,” he said, crossing one leg over the other at the knee. “I don’t know how else to describe it. I just wanted to see a friendly face.”

I smiled and patted his knee. “Anytime,” I said. “You want to hang out for a bit?”

“Charlie, I ran into Lisa at the coffee shop.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say.

“She’s pretty pissed at you,” he said, his eyes searching my face.

“I know,” I said. “We had a bit of a fight last night, and I haven’t had the chance to apologize yet.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about that, okay?”

He smiled and took my hand. “Sure,” he said.

I stared down at my hand in his, my stomach churning nervously. I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that he was holding my hand, or the fact that I wanted him to. Orlando was still very much in my head and my heart, and I wasn’t ready to replace him yet. But Adam was there, and he smelled so good. I could feel the heat coming from him as he slid closer to me on the sofa.

“I think I’m in trouble,” I whispered when his leg was pressed against mine. He smiled gently.

“Not if you don’t want to be,” he said, his voice low. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze and I felt myself turning toward him. After Orlando’s call the night before, I was still very confused as to what I was feeling, and the idea of surrendering myself to someone new became more appealing by the second. Adam was very comfortable to be around, and I trusted him already, though we’d only known each other a short time. I had to trust him every night on stage, and it just felt natural to be this close to him now.

“What are we doing?” I said, the words barely a whisper. He leaned closer to me and I could feel his warm breath on my face. I looked into his eyes and saw something I was craving: understanding. He knew the pain I was in, he was feeling the same thing, and by the way he was leaning toward me, he was as desperate to lose himself in something new as I was becoming. I could already feel his lips on mine, though he hadn’t touched me yet, I could taste him, and feel his arms around me. His blue-green eyes seared into my dark ones, and I couldn’t look away.

“Adam,” I said, and it came out almost a whimper, as my hand rose to his chest. He hadn’t taken off his leather jacket yet, and it felt cool and smooth under my fingers. “Are you going to kiss me?” I whispered, searching his eyes. There was clearly indecision, even though his arms had come up to pull me closer to him.

“Do you want me to, Charlie?” he said, his hands gently rubbing up and down my arms.

“I- I don’t know,” I said honestly, enjoying the pressure that was building low in my stomach. I couldn’t deny that my body was responding to him, that his scent was making me crave him. He’d been my dream since I was barely a teenager, and now he was sitting in front of me, so close that I could almost count the flecks of gold in his eyes. I couldn’t fool myself, though. As much as I wanted him in that moment, he wasn’t Orlando, and he never would be. With that in mind, I pulled away.

“Is something wrong?” he said as I turned my back to him, trying to catch my breath and get myself together. We’d almost kissed, and though it wouldn’t have been the first time, it would have been the first kiss that we’d chosen for ourselves, and not for the show.

“I can’t do this,” I said, still refusing to face him. “It’s not right.”

“Why not?”

I turned to look at him, at the sadness on his face. “Because I don’t love you,” I said softly. “I love Orlando, and I can’t just push that away, you know?”

“I’m not asking you to love me,” he said, sliding forward so he could take my hands in his. “Charlie, the only time I feel normal is when we’re performing together, when we can get lost in each other and forget the rest of the world. I guess I just want that feeling away from the stage as well.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m not asking for a commitment, just a reprieve from the hurt I know we’re both feeling. I want you to be able to get lost in me the way I do in you, to take some good feelings and push away the bad.”

I couldn’t deny that what he said was true, that I only felt truly alive in his arms, when we performed. I didn’t want another relationship, but the escape from the world that he was offering was almost too good to pass up.

“Are you saying you want to hide from the world in sex?” I said, my body leaping at the idea of his hands on me, his lips on mine.

He shook his head. “No, Charlie,” he said softly, reaching out to cup my cheek in his hand. “I want to hide from the world with you, to forget everything else exists. I’m not asking you to make love with me.”

“Then what are you asking?” I said, turning my face into his hand.

“I’m asking you to pretend with me that all of the shit in our lives lately doesn’t exist,” he said, his eyes mirroring the pain I felt. “I’m asking you to trust me, to get lost in me, to let me make you feel alive again, the way you do for me.”

He was so close again, leaning closer with every word, until our noses were almost touching. My heart was racing, my hands were sweating, and I knew that I wanted more than anything to take him into my room and let him make all the pain melt away. With him, I could forget Orlando, I could forget Lisa, I could forget Keira and Johnny, I could just be with Adam and turn off the rest for awhile. My head was screaming at me to give in, even as my heart ached, wishing it was Orlando in front of me.

“Adam,” I breathed as his lips parted slowly and his breathing sped up a bit. His eyes asked the question he hadn’t yet said, and I was completely torn as to what to do. It would be so easy to just lean in and let him kiss me, to let him take me over, and I realized that as much as I loved Orlando, I wanted Adam, wanted to feel my skin against his, to revel in the newness of it, to accept him in every way. Time seemed to stand still as I hesitated.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he said, almost against my mouth. “I understand.”

I reached up and lightly stroked a finger down his cheek, my eyes focused on his lips, slightly crooked, slightly parted. I realized I wanted more than anything to kiss him, so I leaned forward ever-so-gently and pressed my lips against his. I felt his shock at first, then his arms came up around me and pulled me forward, never losing contact with my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clutched his back as the kiss deepened. Tears slid down my cheeks as I felt all of the pent-up emotion spill over into our kiss, and I felt loved again, wanted, needed, in a way I had been craving.

Before I knew what was happening, his jacket was on the sofa, his dark green shirt was open, and he was flat on his back on the floor in front of the couch, with me on top of him in only my flimsy nightgown. His hands were everywhere, and I couldn’t get enough of his mouth. He flipped me beneath him and came down beside me, propped up on his elbow. He finally broke the kiss.

“Hold on,” he said, trying to catch his breath as he looked down at me. My body was on fire, and I had to calm my racing heart. “Charlie, what are we doing?”

“You tell me,” I said, reaching up and stroking his chest. Fire ignited under my fingers, and I wanted more. “Adam, I don’t want to stop.”

“Are you sure?” he said, even as his hand slid my nightgown up my thigh.

“You need this as much as I do,” I said, shoving his shirt down his arms. He took it off and threw it on the floor beside us.

“I don’t want this to change anything,” he said, leaning down to kiss my neck, lightly nipping, then smoothing the skin with his tongue. “I don’t want it to be awkward afterwards.”

“It won’t be,” I said, arching up as he nibbled my collarbone. “We’re just releasing some tension.”

“This is a hell of a way to do that,” he said, chuckling as he kissed his way back up to my mouth. He placed a feathery kiss on my lips, then gazed down at me. “What do you want, Charlie?” he whispered.

“You,” I said honestly. I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his chest. “Just you.” I pulled him down on me, so I was taking all of his weight, and he kissed me again, slipping his hands under to me to hold me closer to him. My hands swept over his back, over the muscles that rippled as we moved, to the top of his pants. I was just reaching for the button on his jeans when I heard the door open.

“Oh my God.”

Adam jumped and pulled back, and I looked, upside down, at Lisa, standing in the doorway, her mouth wide open, a look of shock on her face. “What the hell is this?”

Adam sat up and pulled me with him, handing me my robe as he tugged on his shirt. “What does it look like?” I said, standing up and tying my robe around me. I was silently thanking God that we hadn’t been further along.

“It looks like you were about to have sex on the living room floor,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Classy, Charlie, really classy.”

“It wasn’t Charlie’s fault,” Adam said, buttoning his shirt. “We just got a little carried away.”

“So are you two an item now?” Lisa came into the living room and sat on the sofa, her face blank.

“Not exactly,” I said, glancing over at Adam. I felt like we were teenagers and we’d been caught making out by a parent. “It’s complicated.”

“Just scratching an itch, were you, Charlie?” Lisa said, a sneer on her face. “Well, don’t let me interrupt you.” She stood up.

“Actually, I should go,” Adam said, grabbing his jacket from the floor. He slipped it on and headed to the door. I followed him.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly as he opened the door. He turned and took me in his arms, hugging me tightly to him.

“It’s probably for the best,” he said, smiling sadly down at me. “We’ll talk later, okay?” He kissed my mouth gently, and left. I closed the door and went back into the living room.

“Just a friend, huh?” Lisa said as soon as I came back. “Right.”

“It’s hard to explain,” I said, picking up my forgotten coffee cup from the end table. “Look, I wanted to apologize for last night. I shouldn’t have said what I did, it was rude, and I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, you did,” she said, then smiled. “But it’s okay, I understand. I shouldn’t have been talking to Orlando behind your back. I’m sorry, too.” She hugged me. “Now tell me what was going on here. Geez, can I not leave you alone for an hour?”
I smiled as we sat down on the sofa again. “I don’t know what that was, but man, can he kiss.” I laughed. “He just understands me, you know? Being with him made me feel human for the first time since Orlando. We both know we don’t want a relationship, so it was nothing like that.” I shrugged. “Just a little stress reliever.”

She shook her head and chuckled. “Certainly a good way to do that,” she said, echoing Adam’s words. “I’m sorry I interrupted.”

“No, I’m glad you did,” I said. “We shouldn’t be doing that on the living room floor. That’s hardly the best place.”

“I’d never be able to sit there again,” she teased. “You really like him, don’t you?”

I nodded. “I do,” I said. “If someone had told me even five years ago that I’d be making out with Adam Pascal on my living room floor, I’d have told them they were nuts.”

“Are you going to tell Orlando about this?” Lisa turned serious again.

“I don’t think he needs to know,” I said, knowing how hurt he’d be. “Please, don’t say anything. It’s none of his business.”

“I won’t tell him,” she said solemnly. “But when you get back together, you’ll have to say something.”

“Since that won’t be happening, I don’t need to worry about it, do I?” I said, ignoring the guilt that was rising in me.

“We’ll see,” she said. “We’ll see.”