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I didn’t know where else to go, so I hailed a cab and gave the driver Adam’s address. It was after nine, so I hoped he would be alone. When the cab pulled up in front of the building, I paid the driver and hurried upstairs.

Adam opened the door to my frantic knocking a few minutes later. He had a plate and a dish towel in his hands. I threw myself into his arms, kissing him furiously.

“What the hell?” he said as he dropped the plate to hold me. He closed the door with his foot as I pulled him through the apartment, into the bedroom, never losing contact with him. I needed to forget, to get lost in something else, someone else, for awhile, and this was the only way I could think of to do it.

When I’d shrugged out of my coat and had his sweater on the floor, he pulled away, breathing heavily. “Wait,” he said, hugging me to him, holding me still. “Charlie, what’s going on here? Where is this coming from?”

I couldn’t help it, I began to cry on his bare shoulder, my body heaving with the force of my sobs. He gathered me up even tighter in his arms and smoothed his hands over my back as I cried against him. I pulled away and bolted into the en suite bathroom where I retched into the toilet, my body doubling over at the physical pain I was feeling. Adam came in and began rubbing my back as I vomited, then he handed me a glass of water to rinse my mouth out. When I was done, I washed my mouth out with mouthwash, and let Adam lead me into the bedroom again, and sat me on the bed, crouching down in front of me.

“Feel better?” he said softly, a tender expression on his face. “Charlie, what the hell happened that sent you here like this?”

“Orlando,” I rasped, my throat burning as my eyes filled with tears again at just the mention of his name.

“I’m guessing you told him about us,” he said, reaching up to lightly move a lock of hair off my face.

I nodded. “I didn’t give him specifics, but he asked if we’d slept together yet,” I said, trembling from head to toe as I remembered the anger and hurt in his voice. “I couldn’t lie to him, Adam, I couldn’t deny it.”

“What did he say?”

“He was shocked,” I said, leaning into him as he sat beside me on the bed and put his arms around me. “I told him to forget that I exist, and he yelled that he would, and we hung up. That’s where we left it.” The damned tears came faster, and I began to hiccup softly. “I’ve completely blown it, he’ll never want me again.”

I felt Adam tense slightly as I said this, but he pushed it away quickly. “Do you want him to want you?” he whispered, and I looked up into his eyes.

“I thought I was done with him,” I said, figuring it was best to be honest. “But I can’t just walk away. I don’t want to walk away. Adam, I’m sorry, but I want to be with him.”

A sad smile passed over his face. “I knew that from the beginning, sweetheart,” he said, squeezing me gently. “That’s why we never made any promises. You need to figure out what you want to do now.”

“I’m such a horrible person, aren’t I?” I said sadly, hating the slight hurt in his eyes. “God, I’ve made a mess of things.”

“No, you’re not horrible,” Adam said, kissing my head softly. “You’re just trying to get through this, no one can fault you for that.”

“I love him so much, I really do, and it’s hard to believe that I can’t be with him,” I said, a fresh batch of tears starting. “But I care about you, too, and I’m sorry for leading you on like this.”

“Charlie, listen to me,” he said, tilting my face up to look at him. “Neither one of us is in a place right now where we can have a serious relationship, and we knew that going in. I want you to be happy, and I knew that it would never be me you really wanted, beyond the physical, anyway. So don’t worry about me, just concentrate on getting back with Orlando.”

I hugged him tightly to me. “I don’t think that can happen now,” I said against his ear. “He’s too angry with me, too hurt.” I pulled back to look into his beautiful face. “But if you don’t want me either, I’ll leave. I don’t want to hurt you, too.”

“What are you saying, Charlie?” he said, his hands rubbing comforting circles on my back. “I thought you wanted Orlando.”

I realized that no matter what I said, it would come out as though Adam were second best, like I was settling for him. The situation grew ever more complicated. If I was honest with myself, I was happy in Adam’s arms, happier than I’d ever thought I would be, and yet I still ached for Orlando. There was no easy solution.

“Charlie?”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said, pulling away from him and standing up. “I can’t decide what I want right now, and it’s not fair to any of us for me to be so undecided.” I looked at him, sitting there on the bed in just his jeans, his sweater laying at my feet. I remembered the previous night, the joy I’d felt in his arms, the passion he’d ignited in me, and I asked myself if it would really be bad having that in my life. He was sweet, and I was comfortable with him, and we had good chemistry, on- and off-stage. We had a lot in common, being in the same business, we knew the same people, we had the same obligations. He was probably better suited for me that way than Orlando was. I wouldn’t have to spend any time away from Adam, there would be no separations, no stolen visits between commitments. But as much as I liked that idea, he still wasn’t Orlando.

“Honey, I know I’m not the one you want,” he said, getting up and coming to stand right in front of me. “Let’s just stop now, before we get in over our heads and it really does start to hurt.” He took my shoulders gently in his hands and leaned down to brush a single kiss on my lips. “We’ll just be friends, and then you won’t be so conflicted.”

“How can that be enough for you after what we had last night?” I said, my chest burning with the emotions that raged through me. “Can we really go back?”

“If that’s what you need, then yes, we can,” he said. He bent down and picked up his sweater, pulling it over his head as he stood upright again. “I’m here whenever you need me, Charlie, don’t forget that.”

“God, I hate this,” I said, sniffling back more tears. “I don’t know what I want.”

“Then it’s best you’re by yourself right now,” he said, hugging me to him. His scent surrounded me, and my body responded. I couldn’t help it. I may not have loved him, but I wanted him, and that wasn’t easily put aside.

“Adam, I want you to make love to me,” I said, looking up into his eyes. I saw his shock, but I felt him press against me ever so slightly. “I don’t want to go back.”

“Charlie, honey, that’s not the best idea,” he said, stepping back from me. “We did that once, and look where it’s gotten you. As much as I want you, we can’t.”

“It’s not like Orlando will take me back anyway,” I said, shame rising in me. He was rejecting me, and I couldn’t see a reason for it. “You may as well take what I’m offering.”

“You’re hurting right now,” he said, shaking his head slowly. “If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here, and this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Just go home for awhile, cool off, and we’ll talk later.” He handed me my coat and purse, and led me from the room.

“Call me if you need anything,” he said at the door. “This is for the best, Charlie.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek gently. I couldn’t process what was happening, and before I knew it, I was standing in the hallway, with the door closed in front of me. He’d pretty much thrown me out. I hurried downstairs and hailed a cab in the street, but I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, so I shut the door and just started walking.

A million thoughts raced through my head as I walked quickly up the street. I had no chance with Orlando, Adam had just rejected me, and I felt lost, lonely, and completely empty. The emptiness was worse than the pain had ever been, and it took my breath away. I somehow ended up finding my way home, and I went up the stairs in a sort of daze, wanting to lock myself in my room, away from everyone and every thing.

The next day, I got out of bed only to go to the theatre, but I had a hard time going on the stage with Adam that night, embarrassment still burning in me. I didn’t even shower when the show was done, I just took off my costume, threw on my regular clothes, and hurried home, where I showered and locked myself in my room before Lisa got home. I spent the next few days like that, refusing to talk to anyone other than at the theatre, locked in my room, feeling sorry for myself.

The only bright spot on the horizon was my trip home the following week. The reason I had to go wasn’t exactly pleasant, but it was an excuse to spend a week with my family, and, more importantly, a week away from my life in New York. I could be away from everything, the show, Lisa, Adam, Orlando, all of it. Plus, Cooper’s show was coming up, and I found myself getting excited about that.

When I got out of the cab I’d taken from the airport to my Aunt Tess’s house, I couldn’t help but smile. Everything was so familiar, so welcoming, and I felt the heaviness in my heart ease slightly as I took my bags and headed to the door. I didn’t have to knock because the door was unlocked, so I just walked in. I knew my dad would be there, and so would the rest of my family, waiting to see me. I smiled as I kicked off my shoes.

“Is anybody home?” I called at the top of the basement stairs. Within seconds footsteps were pounding on the steps as Deanna, Dad, and Aunt Tess came up to say hello. I found myself in a four-way hug, with laughter and tears all around. When we’d all let go, my dad scooped me up in his arms, like he had when I was a little girl, and swung me around, then set me back on my feet, looking a little embarrassed at the overt display of affection.

“How was your flight?” Aunt Tess asked as the four of us took my bags upstairs to the guest room. Since the trial was in Kitchener, and I’d given up my apartment, it made more sense for me to stay with Aunt Tess than with Dad, because of the distance. I had originally planned to keep my apartment, but it became very clear that I wouldn’t be going back to it, so I’d had Dad put my stuff in storage, and give up my lease.

“Not too bad,” I said as she opened the bedroom door. I froze, memories flooding back to me. Orlando and I had stayed in that room once upon a time, before I went to New York, and I could very clearly see him sitting on the bed, grinning at me, even if it was only in my mind’s eye. I blinked rapidly to clear my head, then went into the room and set my bags on the bed. “It’s good to be home.” I smiled at them, huddled in the doorway, watching me. I smiled.

“Are you hungry, Charlie?” Deanna said, coming into the room and perching on the bed beside my suitcase. “We have lots of food downstairs.”

“Famished,” I said, grinning at her. She looked more and more like a young woman every time I saw her. “Just give me a few minutes to get some things put away, and then I’ll come down, okay?”

“Sure,” she said, getting up. She hugged me. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me, too, kid,” I said, kissing her head. “We’ll chat later, okay?”

“Absolutely.” She trotted out of the room. I turned to Dad and Aunt Tess.

“I’ll be down soon,” I said, hugging Aunt Tess again. “I just want to get some things put away before they wrinkle too badly.”

“Of course,” she said. “We’ll be downstairs.”

“You go ahead, Tess,” Dad said. “I want some time with Charlie.”

She nodded and went downstairs.

I began pulling things out of my suitcase and laying them out flat on the bed. Dad came and sat on the bed beside me, and gave me an expectant look.

“What?” I said after a minute or two. It creeped me out when he didn’t say anything.

“I’m waiting for an explanation,” he said simply.

“An explanation for what?” I said, taking my clothes to the closet and hanging them up.

“Why isn’t Orlando with you?” he said, handing me a blouse.

I tensed, then shrugged it off. “We’re, uh, we’re not together right now,” I stammered, my back to him. “We haven’t been for over a month. Did I not mention that?”

“In the one phone call I get every week, no,” he said, and I could hear the disapproval in his voice. “I had to find out from Aunt Tess that you’d been in the hospital over New Years. Why didn’t you tell me about that?”

“I didn’t want you to get upset,” I said, turning to look at him. He looked tired, and older than I remembered. “One of the guys in the show got a little rough, he was fired, it’s over and done now.” I shrugged. “And as for Orlando, there’s nothing much to tell. He decided it was too hard to have a relationship right now, so he broke it off.” I gave him a sad smile. “I guess you were right, it was just a fling.” I busied myself with my clothing again, just to keep from crying. I’d done too much of that lately.

“Charlotte, I expect you to tell me when things like this happen,” Dad said quietly. “I know you don’t think I have a right to know, but I’m your father. You haven’t been home since September, and your calls get shorter every week. I didn’t expect that when you left.”

“Dad, I’ve been really busy,” I said, not wanting to look at him again, to see the disappointment on his face. “And I was in England for Christmas, so of course I couldn’t call every day then. And then the whole thing with Sean happened, and I was down for awhile. We’ve been rehearsing a new actor for Sean’s part, so I’ve been doing the show two to three times a day lately. I’m sorry I don’t tell you as much as you’d like, but I don’t always have time to fully dissect every little part of my life over the phone.”

“Don’t get smart with me, young lady,” he said, in that tone of voice that made me feel all of six years old. “All I ask is to know how you’re doing, and when something as serious as my daughter getting beat up happens, I’d like to know.”

“You knew it happened,” I said softly, knowing that wasn’t what he meant. “I didn’t think details would matter.”

“They do, Charlotte,” he said, standing up. “From what Tess said, you were almost raped. Of course I want to know about that.” His voice was getting louder with each word. “And now you’re not with Orlando and no one was any the wiser? Don’t you think I deserve to know things like that?”

I sighed, knowing he was right. “It just hurts to talk about it,” I said, sitting on the bed. “I’ve gone through what happened so many times in my mind, and I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I want to get Ramsey’s trial out of the way, and Cooper’s show, and then go back and get back to normal.” I looked up at him, tears in my eyes. “Dad, that’s all I can do for now.”

He smiled gently and pulled me into his arms. I relaxed, feeling safe. This was my dad, the person I trusted most in the world. Somehow that made me feel a bit better.

“I won’t press you, sweetheart,” he said. “I just like to know what’s going on.”

“I know, Dad,” I said into the shoulder of his sweater. I pulled back. “I need to finish this. I’ll be down soon, okay?”

He released me and nodded. “Don’t be too long,” he said. “We have lots to talk about. I believe Deanna even has a boyfriend she’s dying to gush about.” He rolled his eyes. “Teenage girls, they’ll be the death of me.”

I laughed as he headed downstairs. Immediately after his back disappeared on the stairs, I closed the bedroom door and pulled my cell phone from my purse. I dialed home, hoping Lisa was there.

“Broadway Bed and Breakfast,” she answered. “One room available, if you don’t mind the mess.”

“You’d better not be renting out my room,” I teased, smiling to myself.

“Charlie!” she cried, so loud I had to hold my phone away from my ear. “How was your trip?”

“Fine,” I said. “How’s Adam?”

She paused. “He was pretty quiet after the show this afternoon,” she said finally. “He and Stephanie have about as much chemistry as a wet mop and a bucket. He’s missing you already.”

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “I was afraid of that,” I said softly. “He’s so used to me, it’ll be hard to adjust to someone new.”

“He said you didn’t even say good-bye,” she said, her voice low. “You’ve been avoiding him, haven’t you?”

I sighed. “Yeah, I have,” I said. “I’ll straighten it out when I get back. I just needed some distance from everyone, you know?”

“I know.” She paused again, seeming to hesitate. “Charlie, Orlando called.”

My stomach twisted, and I had to take a deep breath to keep from tipping over. “What did he say?”

“He told me what happened when you talked last,” she said. “I know I’m not supposed to talk to him, but he was really upset.”

“About what?”

“About what happened between you,” she said. “He said he was angry for awhile, but now he doesn’t care that you slept with Adam. He just wants you back.”

“How can he?” I said, leaning against the closet door. “I think we left it pretty clear where we stood.”

“Honey, people say things in anger sometimes,” she said, sounding much older than she’d ever sounded before. “That doesn’t mean he meant everything he said. You just need to decide who you want to be with, Adam or Orlando.”

“I knew it would come to this,” I said, shaking my head sadly. “I’d convinced myself I could never have Orlando, and now I’m falling for Adam.”

“Adam’s still married, you know,” she pointed out. “I doubt he’s ready for the baggage that comes with a serious relationship.”

“I know,” I said, closing my eyes against the pain that was rising in me. “But if I’m with either one of them, I need to have the other out of my system. It’s not fair to go back with Orlando while I still want Adam, but it’s no more fair to be with Adam when I still love Orlando.”

“You still love him?”

“Yes,” I said, smiling to myself again. “I do.” I hesitated. “But I think I love Adam, too.”

“Oh God,” she groaned, and I could see her covering her eyes with her hand. “That’s not going to make this any easier, is it?”

“Not in the least,” I said. “I have to be away from both for a bit, to really think about it. At this point, it may be easier to just be alone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Any way it goes, someone is going to get hurt, but this way, we might avoid any more pain than is necessary,” I said, going to my suitcase and pulling out Orlando’s ring. “It’ll be hard as hell, but it’s for the best.”

“You’ve got more strength than I have,” she said. “Just be sure it’s really what you want, okay? Don’t do anything until you’ve really thought about it.”

“I’m sure the week away from everything will do me good,” I said, tucking the ring back in my bag. “I won’t make any decisions until I get back.”

“Good idea.”

We talked for a bit more as I finished unpacking, then hung up and I went downstairs for something to eat.

I finally got to go upstairs to bed just after midnight. I had to be at the courthouse the following morning for nine o’clock, and I was already exhausted from my trip. Just as I was settling into bed, my cell phone rang. I reached over and answered it, not even bothering to look at the caller ID.

“Hello?” I said, sitting up in the bed.

“Charlie?”

“Oh, hi, Adam,” I said, smiling to myself. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say hello,” he said. “I didn’t want to call earlier, because I didn’t want to pull you away from your family.”

“Thanks,” I said, settling back down in the bed. “Look, I know things have been a little weird between us this week.”

“You noticed,” he said, sounding relieved.

“Oh yes, I noticed,” I said. “I was dealing with being rejected, and I guess I was still embarrassed that I’d thrown myself at you the way I did.”

“You have to know that telling you no was harder than I thought it would be,” he said, his voice tender and pitched low. “I just didn’t want you to do anything you’d regret later because you were pissed off at Orlando.”

“I understand that now,” I said, staring into the darkness. “And I’m grateful that you had the good sense to kick me out. But we have a little problem.”

“What’s that?”
“I think I’ve gotten further into this than I’d ever wanted to,” I said, rolling onto my side so I could hug my pillow as I talked to him. It was comforting.

“How so?”

“Adam, I’m totally falling for you, and it’s not something I ever expected,” I said, then tensed, waiting for his reaction.

“Charlie, look,” he said, and my stomach clenched, because it didn’t sound like this was going to be good news. “I don’t want you to fall for me, okay? We probably shouldn’t have made love like we did, and now we’re dealing with the ramifications of that. Give it time, you’ll see it was nothing more than infatuation.”

I sucked in a deep breath at the stinging sensation his words had caused. “Is that what you’re feeling, too?” I dared to ask. “Infatuation?”

“Yes,” he said, a little too quickly. “I don’t want to be second best, and I knew from the very beginning that if we got into an actual relationship, I would be.”

“But that doesn’t tell me how you feel about me,” I said gently. “I think I know you well enough by now to know when you’re holding back.”

“You’re right, I’m not telling you everything,” he said. “And that’s because it won’t do anything but open a can of worms that’s better left alone.”

“Adam,” I said slowly. “Didn’t we say we’d always be honest?”

“Yes.”

“Then tell me what you’re not saying.”

He sighed. “What good will it do to tell you that I’m falling for you, too?” he said, his voice rushed, as though he wanted to get it over with.

“You are?”

“Of course I am,” he said. “I have been since that first day when you cried in my arms. But I’ve been pushing it away because I know you can never love just me.”

“Okay, you’re right, that didn’t help,” I said, sitting up. “That just made everything harder.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to say it.”

“And what happens if I end up back with Orlando?” I said, needing to know that he wouldn’t hate me.

“Then I’ll deal with that,” he said.

“Will we still be friends?”

“Of course,” he said, and I could picture his smile in my head. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Good,” I said. “I don’t know yet what I’m doing, but I need to know you won’t hate me for going back to Orlando, if that’s what I decide to do.”

“Charlie, sweetheart, listen to me,” he said slowly. “Nothing you could ever do could make me stop being your friend. But if you decide you want to pursue whatever this is between us, I’m all for that, too. There’s absolutely no pressure either way, you just do what you think is best.”

“You sound like my dad,” I said, chuckling in the darkness. “I appreciate that, Adam. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make anything easier.”

“Why don’t you get some sleep, and we’ll talk in a day or two?” he suggested, and I could hear the exhaustion in his voice.

“Good idea,” I said, fighting off a yawn. “Thanks for calling, Adam, it was really good to hear your voice.”

“Yours, too,” he said. “Sleep tight, and good luck tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you.”

“Good night,” I said, and closed my phone. I reached up to put the phone on the night table beside the bed, then settled down under the covers. As nervous as I was about the following day, the fact that Adam was thinking about me made me smile, and I was able to go to sleep.